Alone

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“We need others.  We need others to love, and we need to be loved by them.  There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.” ~ Leo Buscaglia

No one person can be everything to another person.  I need someone to talk to who knows my heart, but there is no one there.  There is no one I can pick up the phone and call who would understand…or not think that I have lost my mind to call and reveal to them the inner workings of my heart.  The fact that there is not one person I can reach out for right at this moment makes me feel so lonely.

Believe me, I am well-aware of the many blessings and wonderful people in my life.  So how can I be lonely?  This thing on my my mind is not a bad thing, but it is deeply personal.  It is a sensitive matter, and it is not something that I can talk about with just anyone.  I can’t grab the nearest person and expect to unburden my mind.  This is an issue intimate and dear to my heart.

While I love my dear daughters, I can’t expect them to talk with me through worries about aging or motherhood.  I am their mentor, but right now, I need someone to mentor me.  I can’t talk to T about this, either.  While I know he would listen, he simply would not “get it.”  T is not driven by emotions or sentiment.  He is not introspective.  He would listen, and then he would probably stash the entire conversation away with all the other things he doesn’t quite understand about me.

This is when I miss my dad the most.  My dad would completely understand how I am feeling, because he would be feeling the same way.  He would talk with me, shed a few tears along with me, and by the end of the conversation have me laughing.  I miss my grandmas, too.

Sometimes this stage of life really sucks.  I am always strong for those around me, yet the people who were my support…the rocks in my life…are no longer here.

I wish I had a sister.

As with all things, this too shall pass.  This is a time of difficult transitions.  I’m just getting my feet wet in this new phase of my life.  Soon this phase will be my new normal.

I’ll get through this day.  I’ll adjust, and hopefully, I will learn something along the way.

Baseball Memories

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When I was a little girl, my father gave me the most important gift, the gift of acceptance and unconditional love.

I was in the midst of those awkward middle school years.  I was trying so hard to be cool, to be like everyone else.  Above all, I wanted to fit in.  All my friends played softball, so of course, I signed up to be on a team, too.  I hated every single moment of it.  I was afraid of being hit by a ball.  I couldn’t catch, pitch, throw, or hit.  Yet I kept right on trying.  I went to each practice.  When I got home, my dad spent countless hours trying to teach me and trying to help me improve.  Nothing worked.  I didn’t improve no matter how hard I tried.  As hard as I was working to be better, my heart wasn’t in it.  I wanted to be reading a book, or playing the piano, or spending time with my pets.  The only things I liked about playing softball was sitting on the bench, visiting with my friends, and going to the concession stand after the game. Continue Reading »

Cell Phone Hostage

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Yesterday morning around 6:00 a.m., before I was even out of bed, I sent my three oldest children a text message.  The message was in response to a text I had received from Verizon notifying me that we had exceeded the data usage limit on our phone plan, therefore we would be incurring an additional charge.  While the charge wasn’t overly excessive, I was upset with my kids for not being more cautious with MY money.  I knew our data usage was close to the limit; so did they.  We had all received the warning text a week ago.  So I sent the following text to my kids:  “I am going to check my Verizon account to see why our data is being overly used, and who is using it.  Please be respectful of the fact that you are all adults, and your parents are still the ones paying for your phones.” Continue Reading »

Brightness

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It has been almost one year since I began this challenging journey of change.  One thing I learned quite quickly was that it helped me immensely to break things down into short-term goals.  By short-term I’m talking days, a week, a month at the most.  Some days I felt so overwhelmed that my goal was simply to get through whatever I had to do that day without thinking ahead to tomorrow.  This method of dealing with a major life change went a long way in reducing stress. Continue Reading »

Runaway

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My daughter, who recently turned 20, ran away from home when she was 14 years old.  I don’t remember if I have ever written about this horrible time from the past.  It was a horrible incident, and probably one of the worst experiences I ever had as a parent.  That is saying a lot, considering we have lost two children and our oldest son had a terrible accident (brain injury, multiple broken bones, and was in a coma for three weeks) when he was 12.  What made the runaway incident worse by far was the fact that she chose to leave.  She chose to hurt us.  My babies didn’t choose to die, choose to leave me.  My son didn’t choose to be injured.  She chose not to care.  She chose to hurt the ones who loved her. Continue Reading »

Ashley’s Dress

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I hate to shop, so I order most of my clothing online.  I am a hard to find size, and I get frustrated to find something I like in a store only to find out that it isn’t available in my size.  From the comfort on my home, I can shop for what I like and order it in my size.

tdressA couple of days before my vacation to New Orleans, I received a box in the mail.  I was excited, because I had ordered a couple of things to take on my trip.  The first thing I pulled out of the box was a black dress.  The girls were standing with me watching as I opened the contents of the box.  They looked at me curiously.  Why had I ordered a black dress to take on vacation?  I honestly didn’t remember ordering it.  I checked the size.  It was my size.  I opened up the plastic packaging and held it up.  I liked it, but I still couldn’t remember ordering this black dress. Continue Reading »

Hiding and Guilt

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Almost a year ago, I met a man.  I was looking for an architect who would do some pro bono work for small, local businesses.  These small businesses were willing to make a financial commitment to their businesses and make physical improvements to buildings in a blighted area.  I wanted to make sure that the end results were beneficial to the district and the business owners.  I wanted to get the most bang for our buck, as my organization was giving out grants to encourage these improvements.  A name of a local architect was recommended to me, and I gave him a call.  From our first phone conversation, we hit it off.  I explained what I needed and what my organization was hoping to accomplish.  He generously offered to meet with building and business owners.  We made an appointment for an initial meeting the following week. Continue Reading »