It’s back. It’s hanging over my head. I wish I could huff and puff and make it go away.
It wasn’t there when I woke up. The weather is beautiful today. It has nothing to do with lack of sunshine. I like what I’m wearing. It’s not a bad hair day. No one and nothing in particular has upset me.
It began during our weekly staff meeting. As I sat there, I could feel my nerves zipping around. I felt twitchy. I felt claustrophobic. I wished so much that I could simply get up and walk out of the room. Where did I want to go, though? Oh….I wanted to go somewhere and lie down curled up in a ball and just sleep until this goes away.
I wasn’t sitting in the best spot at that meeting. We all take turns going around the table and giving project updates. I was last. AND…I was furthest away from the coffee maker. Damn, how I wanted a cup of coffee. Of course, I started obsessing about how I might possibly make my way around the table and across the room to pour a cup. Impossible. So, no coffee.
As I sat there, my phone buzzed and buzzed. Emails, so many emails, were coming in while I was wasting my time at this mandatory, time-wasting meeting. The buzzing just added to my stress and anxiety. I wasn’t alone. Everyone’s phones were buzzing. Everyone was only listening half-heartedly, just waiting for their turns to speak.
I thought about the Lexapro I had taken this morning. Months ago, I began taking Lexparo. At first it was a wonderful help, but I lost myself somewher along the line. I became a zombie. 10 mg. wasn’t working for me. I had been a zombie on 10 mg., so I had stopped taking it altogether. Not a good idea. I was back on the Lexapro, but this time taking 5 mg. For the past couple of months, that had been a good balance. Not today. I thought about taking another 5 mg when I got back to my office. I didn’t do it. I don’t want to got that route. I don’t want to zombie-out again. I just want this to go AWAY.
It’s lunchtime now. I ran a few work-related errands. My face feels like stone when I interact with people. It might break if I were to smile.
I stopped for some comfort food. Chic-fil-A and a Pepsi. I’m back in the office now with my door closed. I never close my door. I want a few moments of chicken and peace. I hear people slow down as they pass by my door. Well, it’s no crime to eat in peace. Screw them.