Cloud of Depression

It’s back.  It’s hanging over my head.  I wish I could huff and puff and make it go away. 

It wasn’t there when I woke up.  The weather is beautiful today.  It has nothing to do with lack of sunshine.  I like what I’m wearing.  It’s not a bad hair day.  No one and nothing in particular has upset me. 

It began during our weekly staff meeting.  As I sat there, I could feel my nerves zipping around.  I felt twitchy.  I felt claustrophobic.  I wished so much that I could simply get up and walk out of the room.  Where did I want to go, though?  Oh….I wanted to go somewhere and lie down curled up in a ball and just sleep until this goes away. 

I wasn’t sitting in the best spot at that meeting.  We all take turns going around the table and giving project updates.  I was last.  AND…I was furthest away from the coffee maker.  Damn, how I wanted a cup of coffee.  Of course, I started obsessing about how I might possibly make my way around the table and across the room to pour a cup.  Impossible.  So, no coffee. 

As I sat there, my phone buzzed and buzzed.  Emails, so many emails, were coming in while I was wasting my time at this mandatory, time-wasting meeting.  The buzzing just added to my stress and anxiety.  I wasn’t alone.  Everyone’s phones were buzzing.  Everyone was only listening half-heartedly, just waiting for their turns to speak. 

I thought about the Lexapro I had taken this morning.  Months ago, I began taking Lexparo.  At first it was a wonderful help, but I lost myself somewher along the line.  I became a zombie.  10 mg. wasn’t working for me.  I had been a zombie on 10 mg., so I had stopped taking it altogether.  Not a good idea.  I was back on the Lexapro, but this time taking 5 mg.  For the past couple of months, that had been a good balance.  Not today.  I thought about taking another 5 mg when I got back to my office.  I didn’t do it.  I don’t want to got that route.  I don’t want to zombie-out again.  I just want this to go AWAY.

It’s lunchtime now.  I ran a few work-related errands.  My face feels like stone when I interact with people.  It might break if I were to smile. 

I stopped for some comfort food.  Chic-fil-A and a Pepsi.  I’m back in the office now with my door closed.  I never close my door.  I want a few moments of chicken and peace.  I hear people slow down as they pass by my door.  Well, it’s no crime to eat in peace.  Screw them.

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