Cloud of Depression


It’s back.  It’s hanging over my head.  I wish I could huff and puff and make it go away. 

It wasn’t there when I woke up.  The weather is beautiful today.  It has nothing to do with lack of sunshine.  I like what I’m wearing.  It’s not a bad hair day.  No one and nothing in particular has upset me. 

It began during our weekly staff meeting.  As I sat there, I could feel my nerves zipping around.  I felt twitchy.  I felt claustrophobic.  I wished so much that I could simply get up and walk out of the room.  Where did I want to go, though?  Oh….I wanted to go somewhere and lie down curled up in a ball and just sleep until this goes away. 

I wasn’t sitting in the best spot at that meeting.  We all take turns going around the table and giving project updates.  I was last.  AND…I was furthest away from the coffee maker.  Damn, how I wanted a cup of coffee.  Of course, I started obsessing about how I might possibly make my way around the table and across the room to pour a cup.  Impossible.  So, no coffee. 

As I sat there, my phone buzzed and buzzed.  Emails, so many emails, were coming in while I was wasting my time at this mandatory, time-wasting meeting.  The buzzing just added to my stress and anxiety.  I wasn’t alone.  Everyone’s phones were buzzing.  Everyone was only listening half-heartedly, just waiting for their turns to speak. 

I thought about the Lexapro I had taken this morning.  Months ago, I began taking Lexparo.  At first it was a wonderful help, but I lost myself somewher along the line.  I became a zombie.  10 mg. wasn’t working for me.  I had been a zombie on 10 mg., so I had stopped taking it altogether.  Not a good idea.  I was back on the Lexapro, but this time taking 5 mg.  For the past couple of months, that had been a good balance.  Not today.  I thought about taking another 5 mg when I got back to my office.  I didn’t do it.  I don’t want to got that route.  I don’t want to zombie-out again.  I just want this to go AWAY.

It’s lunchtime now.  I ran a few work-related errands.  My face feels like stone when I interact with people.  It might break if I were to smile. 

I stopped for some comfort food.  Chic-fil-A and a Pepsi.  I’m back in the office now with my door closed.  I never close my door.  I want a few moments of chicken and peace.  I hear people slow down as they pass by my door.  Well, it’s no crime to eat in peace.  Screw them.

3 thoughts on “Cloud of Depression

  1. I’m glad you have a door, chicken and a few minutes peace. You might want to try an additional 2.5 mg of Lexapro on what feels like a bad day – it won’t hurt you and it might help. I know I do that when my hormones add to my blues. Love you.

  2. Sorry to hear that yesterday was rough. Just keep being good to yourself. There is nothing wrong with shutting your door for a few minutes of peace at work. Don’t feel guilty about that!

    PS. I absolutely love Chik-fil-a. 🙂

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