As I felt that Negative Loop begin playing itself over and over again in my head, I was angry. My weekend had been good. I was able to recognize the blessings in my life, but I was (ME!!!) sabotaging my own happiness. Allowing the negativity to loop over and over in my mind was preventing me from enjoying what was REAL and GOOD in my life.
Visualization. I knew that was the answer. I went to a quiet place in the house. In MY house, that means the upstairs bathroom. I closed the door and sat down in the chair. Wow, I have sure spent a great deal of time in that chair this past year! I sat there and remembered how I once was able to pull myself outside of my body through visualization. I was able to control my own pain. I was even able to control hiccups within moments by using visualization. I tried to remember how, but I failed. My mind was stuck in the Negative Loop. I tried to remember how. Where did I used to go?
Year ago, I had this technique where I imagined a meadow with a lone tree. The tree was sheltering and immense. It represented peace. I walked toward the tree and went into another realm within my mind. (kinda strange, I know…) I tried it again, but the tree was elusive. All I was able to envision was myself….and all I saw were flaws.
I tried a beach. I imagined a beach, wind, surf, the sunset, but still it did not work. What was I wearing? OK…all white. Was there wind? Yes, and it made my clothes cling. You could see my pouchy tummy. The wind made my hair look stringy. I looked like hell. I looked worthless. I looked like I did not deserve peace.
So, that’s how bad this has become. I could no longer find peace, because I have no self-worth. Even I did not believe that I deserved peace. It made me sad as I sat there in my bathroom….in a chair alone, unable to find peace. I looked in the mirror. Is THIS it? Is this face and this body all that I am worth? What is inside of all that? What is under the flesh? My spirit.
Instead of imagining my body, I began to imagine my spirit. At first, it wasn’t easy. It’s a difficult thing to get past the outside and dig way down to what is beneath the surface of who we are. What is under there? It was there when I was a little girl. It will be there when I am a very old woman. The essence of who I am is always there. I tried to imagine that spirit inside of me. Warmth. That is what I began to see. A rose-colored warmth began to emerge in my mind. I imagined that warm, rose-glow floating along beside the ocean. The calm sand, the soothing blue of the waves. All of it became a part of the spirit of me. As I began to visualize the “ME” underneath all of the clothes and skin and bones, I could feel other spirits by my side. They were golden. I felt their love. My dad was there. My grandmas and my grandpa were there, too. All of them wanted to help me. They wanted me to feel their peace, and they surrounded my rose glow with their warm golden auras. I felt filled up in a way that I have not felt in so very long. I felt real hope for the first time. They were there waiting for me. They were there to catch me and carry me above and beyond the pain. All I had to do was seek them out. Ah…now I knew. I knew that I would be OK. I can do this, because I am not alone after all.
I know….this is a most unusual post. I don’t always consider myself to be “in touch” with my spiritual side. The strange thing is, I once considered myself to be very spiritual. I lost that somewhere along the way. At the same time that my life spiraled out of control, I lost touch with my spirituality. I don’t think that is insignificant. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. It will take some time to cultivate this awareness within myself once more, but I am ready. Finally, I have found something within myself of value, and I don’t intend to let it go again.
Yes, I know. These past two posts have been strange. I’m not sure that I have done a very good job of conveying my thoughts, feelings, or experience the other night. It’s difficult to explain something that is other-worldly. It’s practically impossible to explain something that seems to go beyond words.