Which Way?



Is it possible to be too sad and exhausted to even consider going on vacation?  I know that I need to get away.  I do, but there are so many things pressing on me right now.  It seems easier to just stay here and keep plugging away at everything one by one.  If I could check a few things off of my list, if a few things could be resolved, then maybe I could relax and enjoy a vacation.  As it is, I feel like my world might come crashing down if I don’t keep my finger plugging the leak in the dam I call my life.

I had a crappy day followed by an evening spent with my mother.  On Saturday, she announced that she wanted to sell the house.  What???  I had no idea where this pronouncement came from.  She is doing fine financially.  She won’t outlive her money, but she wants to sell the house.  It’s the only thing I care about.  She can keep all the money or spend it on diamond rings for all I care.  I wanted to keep the house.  It’s where I grew up, was married; it’s where all of my memories are still real and fresh.  Now she wants to sell it.

The house remains full of 40 years worth of belongings.  My mother has forbidden me to “get rid of” anything.  There are sets of china, silver, and crystal.  I don’t want any of it.  My kids don’t want anything, yet she has remained steadfast that I keep everything where it sits.  When I have mentioned everything in the house to her in the past, she has told me to box it up and rent a storage unit.  Well, that made no sense at all.  Why waste the money on a rental unit?  When I asked her what she wanted me to do with everything in the house, she said, “Call an auctioneer.  They will take everything out of the house.”  I might add that she said it to me as if I were an idiot.  DUH!  Why hadn’t I ever thought of selling all that stuff?  Hmmm….  Oh, I’m just upset.  There is no reason to sell the house.  I am an only child.  There isn’t anyone else.  Why in the world would she do this one last thing to hurt me?

Last night, T and I went over to the house.  We made a list of the things we would need to do.  I sat in the living room and cried.  T and I had been once again discussing US moving into the house.  Now that isn’t going to happen.  Instead, I will have to watch as strangers live in the house.  Or maybe not, I can’t imagine.

Tonight T brought the list of repair to discuss with my mother.  God bless him.  She thinks he’s a saint.  He is, and he is trying to buy some time for me.  He has offered to do all of the work on the house.  He’s hoping that he can string this out long enough so that it’s no longer an issue.

My mom loved the idea.  She listened and looked at T adoringly as he told her what needed to be done to the house.  As he was talking, his phone rang, and he stepped out into the hall to take the call.  As soon as he stepped out, my mom hissed at me, “I know you don’t want to sell the house.  Well, too bad.  I need the money.”  All I said was, “OK, Mom.”

I’m wiped out and defeated.  I’m not sure what I would do without T.  He keeps me calm, and he is kind.  He brought a truck home from work tonight.  I know that might sound strange, but he knew I would feel better if we rode in a truck tonight.  He was right.  There I was wearing my dress clothes from work climbing up into a pickup truck.  As we drove home, I cranked (yes, cranked) down the window.  We drove through the country, and I watched the lightning bugs in the ditches and fields.  T and I talked.  I cried.  Again, I cried.  It seems like I am always crying.  Me, who had not cried in years.  We wound our way home the “back way.”  Up and down the country roads that only locals know.  My mom and dad’s house is the first home on the edge of our little town.  I could see it through the darkness.  I saw my old window.  When I looked at the fence in the side yard, I pictured my dad standing there by the hollyhocks for a fleeting moment.  How many times did I see him in that spot tending his garden?  I could picture him looking up, seeing me, and the smile would spread across his face.  Oh, this is so so very unfair.

T offered to buy the house.  Well, he told me to offer that to my mom.  I simply can’t do that.  I would feel too damn selfish.  It’s too much money to take away from the rest of the family purely for sentimental reasons.  Maybe it will sell, and then I will have no more ties to this place or this town.  Maybe I will feel a sense of freedom and move across the country.  T would willingly leave here.  He has wanted to leave here for years.  It has  always been me who has wanted to remain.  This place was/is in my heart.  Mine alone, and now I feel like it is all being taking away from me.  Yes, I am selfishly feeling sorry for myself.

So, a vacation?  Ha!  I don’t have any excitement.  I don’t feel like packing or planning or getting everything arranged.  Having said that, I don’t want to waste money on something that I really don’t care about.  There is a work conference that I’ll miss if I take time for a vacation.  I could stay, go to the conference,  work on the house.  Trudge through a few more days and weeks, allow my heart to heal instead of forcing myself to have fun.

I have lost my zest for life.  I wish I could get it back.  I wish I could find it once again.  I look in the mirror, and I don’t even know this sad woman looking back at me.  I don’t even like her!  I wish I could find the peace that would make all of these adjustments easier.  Is a vacation the answer?  I’m not sure why, but I am afraid to leave.  Am I afraid of the next step?  Am I afraid to go on this trip, let go of my demons and allow myself to have a good time, or am I afraid that no matter where I go, the demons will follow?