Back to the Grind


A week of vacation.  For ten days, I didn’t walk through the door of my office.  It wasn’t difficult, and I was still connected.  Through the wonders of the Droid, I was able to keep my finger on the pulse of the most important issues.  Yes, I checked my emails and returned a few calls while I was on vacation.  It didn’t take that much time, and it certainly eased my mind not being in the dark about what is going on.  As in other areas of my life, the NOT knowing is much worse than actually dealing swiftly with issues as they arise.  Even though I had been in touch with work, I still felt uneasy all day yesterday as I imagined a “shit storm” upon my return.  My mind tossed and turned all sorts of scenarios over in preparation for the worst when I walked back through the doors this morning.  Thankfully, all of the worry was unfounded.  Everything was fine.  Yes, I am behind in my work, and it will take a few days to catch up, but all in all, it appears that the world can still continue to turn without me seated behind my desk.  Lesson learned.  I need MORE vacations!

One week was not enough.  It took most of that one week to simply begin to relax.  I had it down pat by the end of the week, though.  Ponytails and no makeup.  Wake up and throw on something loose and comfortable.  I loved that.  This morning, as I dressed for work, I longing eyed my gauzy beach dress hanging sadly in my closet.  I knew we would miss each other today.  That gauzy $12 dress and I had a good thing going.  Add a pair of squishy flip flops, and I would have been set for the day.

I’m also proud to say that I missed reading today!  I may bring a book to work tomorrow.  I can quickly wolf down my food and read during my lunch hour.  I’ll close my door and prop my feet up on my desk.  (Once again, I am wishing for a giant dog bed under my desk!  How perfect would that be???  Although, I might need to use a flashlight to read under there.)  Currently, I am reading Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer.  Those of you who read my OTHER blog may remember my fascination with Henry and Anais Nin.  The fascination has continued, but it is quickly going downhill the more I learn about these two characters.  I have begun a blog post about Henry and Anais, but it’s not ready yet.  It’s one of those subjects that I need to worry and ponder over a bit.  I’ll just say this.  Henry, while he may have been a passionate, talented man, was a DOG.  Anais, well, I do believe she loved him deeply, but that love destroyed her decency.  She lost herself in a love that was so very wrong for her.  She cared more for Henry than herself.  As I said, Henry was a DOG, so he took and took all that she offered.  If she destroyed her character in the process of loving him, well….not HIS fault.

Tropic of Cancer is purely ugly.  It’s a train wreck.  I wish I could stop reading it, but I can’t.  I will chug along through the ugliness until the bitter (most likely!) end.  I despise the word cunt.  HATE IT.  It is the worst word in the world, and I’m not sure that I have ever actually uttered it more than once or twice in  my life.  Henry uses the word liberally.  He would just as soon use that horrible word than the word woman.  He used it interchangeably.  Think of a sentence using the word woman.  Now, substitute the horrible “C” word, and you’re Henry Miller!  Ugh and YUCK.  Maybe I should think of such a horrible word and use it to describe men!  🙂  Anyway….I will finish the damn book and soon, because next in line is an Alice Hoffman book.

As if the first day back to work wasn’t enough of a shock to my system, it was also Lola’s birthday today.  She is EIGHT years old!  I had planned a quiet night of pizza and pie.  No cake for my Lola.  She doesn’t like sweets.  Instead of the quiet night I had envisioned, we ended up with a houseful for dinner and dessert.  Lola invited half of the family today while I was at work.  That’s OK.  I ordered a bunch of pizza, and stopped by the bakery for a cake for those of us who DO LIKE SWEETS.  Lola had a great night with all of her little girl cousins.  It was good to see her being the BIG GIRL for a change.  She may be the baby of our family, but she is the oldest of the second crop of cousins, as we call them.

Lola blowing out birthday pie candles!



So, yes, I am “Back in the Grind” today.  Nothing at work has changed, including the stress.  It was right there waiting for me.  Something did change, though.  Me.  I am changing.  Finally, I am changing.  Maybe I am…something felt different.  There has been some kind of internal shift inside of me.

Or, maybe I am not changing at all.  Maybe I am just learning to allow life to sweep me along in the daily tide of living.  Maybe I am learning to stop kicking and screaming about the things I can’t change.  It is what it is.  



2 thoughts on “Back to the Grind

  1. Hi Pam,

    I’m the same Steve that has commented recently on Morgan’s blog. I’m glad you found my last comment to Morgan helpful for yourself.

    It seems like you had a great vacation that will be remembered fondly by you and T and the girls – you’re right, you should take more of them and hopefully that will happen.

    I’ve read several of your archived entries, and I’m sorry to learn of your Mom’s diagnosis. I can only imagine the level of stress this adds to your life. Our son is an only child so it makes me think of what he may be taking on in the future as my wife and I enter that stage of life – hopefully that’s 30 to 35 years in the future so time enough to worry about that. I’m sorry I missed your other blog, but what you reveal in this one tells me you are on a journey of honest self-examination; that it is contributing to healing and that the direction points towards more contentment in your life, though that can often be a “two steps forward, one back” journey.

    It’s interesting, I’ve known that a blogging world has existed for years, but have only begun to explore it recently. I’m amazed at the personal, heartfelt, heart breaking, inspiring, thought provoking blogs that exist, and the extraordinarily high quality of the writing they exhibit. In leaving comments on them, I feel mostly audacious – who am I, a stranger to the blogger, to opine on these extremely personal matters.

    I saw that one of your son’s is going to Marquette – I’m a grad, class of 1981. Our son went to Marquette University High School in Milwaukee and he is off in September to Santa Clara University which is also a Jesuit school. My wife and I really believe in the Jesuit’s holistic approach to education.

    I’ve never read Tropic of Cancer, though I think I peeked at a few chapters as a teenager in curiosity. Currently on my bedside table is Thomas Mann’s The Magic Mountain. For work the last four years I usually have at least one weekly trip between Milwaukee and Chicago, and often listen to audio books. I often select classics (unabridged) that I never got to as a younger person. Earlier this year I did The Brothers Karamazov, and just today finished the first CD of War and Peace – thirty-nine more to go!

    • Hi Steve! Thank you for reading…and for commenting.

      Yes, the other blog is gone, but this is a continuation of the same journey with a great deal of refocus! I was stuck in one spot for too long. I miss being able to blog at great length about that same tired subject, but the change of blog content has allowed me to be more honest with MYSELF about my own life.

      LOVE Marquette. What a beautiful campus, and we have grown to love Milwaukee, too. My son with be heading back for his second year next month, and his long-time girlfriend (whose parents are alums) will also be attending, too.

      I have read and read hundreds of books, but have never even once listened to an audio book. My daughters are after me to purchase “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I read that book to the kids during the summer of our youngest daughter’s birth. Lola reminds us all of Scout, the main character of the book. It drives Lola nuts because we all call her Scout, and she doesn’t know who that is! She is soooo ready to love Scout, but I haven’t gotten around to getting the audio book yet. I’ll have to write that on my long list of things to do.

      As for your son being an only…well, my four kids are VERY tired of me telling them how lucky they are to have each other. I suppose we all must be content with what life hands us and be grateful if we’re lucky enough to have a place where we belong.

      Thanks again for your observations/comments/support on Morgan’s blog, and for taking the time to read mine, too!


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