Resisting Closure

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For the past year and a half, I have fought closure; kicking and screaming, heals dug in, eyes squinched shut.  I have seen closure, and I have looked at what lies on the other side.  I could see it as if I were looking through a big picture window.  I wasn’t sure I liked what I saw on the other side.

Closure:  1.  bringing to an end; a conclusion.  2.  A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.

Finality after a traumatic experience.  Yes.  But why wouldn’t I want that?  Why wouldn’t I want “finality after a traumatic experience?”  That seems like something I should want and desire; to finally bring a traumatic experience to an end.  So what was stopping me?

To be able to walk away from a situation, whether that means to physically walk away, or to simply disallow a situation to take up real estate in your head, you have to be able to have acceptance.

Acceptance – the mental attitude that something is believable and should be accepted as true.

I resisted acceptance, too.  Actively and blindly, I resisted seeing the things right in front of me that were “believable and true.”  I clung to a fantasy that was my perception of reality.  I now know why.  If I let go of that illusion, delusion, fantasy, I was going to be forever changed.

Closure has been right in front of me for a very long time now.  Closure was a gate, and all I had to do was enter.  Instead, I circled around and around.  I pretended to ignore it.  I refused to look in that direction.  I shuffled my feet and whistled a tune, all in an attempt to avoid acceptance.  Acceptance meant letting go.  Letting go meant that I had been WRONG.  Letting go meant that I would be forever changed.

Letting go meant that my illusions turned into disillusionment.  Letting go meant that my optimism and belief had been unfounded.  My trust turned to distrust.  My happiness turned to anger and resentment.  The truth had been turned into lies.  What once sparkled and glowed was now a crappy blob of dryer lint.  Of course, I didn’t want to accept all of these things!  I knew what acceptance meant for me, too.  Acceptance meant that something essential about myself was going to be forever changed and not in any good way.

I’m not sure if I am making myself clear.  I liked who I was “before.”  I imagined who I would become on the other side of all of this, and it scared me.  I liked trusting people.  I liked believing in the good side of life.  I wanted to be an optimist.  I didn’t want to be wary.  I didn’t want to distrust.  I didn’t want to be cautious.  I wanted GOOD to prevail over EVIL.  I wanted a fairy tale.  Mostly, I didn’t want to be forever changed.

I have taken that step, and walked through the gates of acceptance and closure.  Yes, I have changed.  No, it doesn’t feel good.  It feels empty and sad.  I do distrust in the simplest moments of happiness or kindness, but there is something else.  This is important.  Who I was inside has not changed.  The essential ME has not changed.  I do still want to believe in good.  I still see good all around me, but there is a new dimension beginning to emerge.  Maybe it is a new depth of empathy, but I’m not really sure.  I am recently equipped with something, as of yet undefinable, that feels gentle and sympathetic.   I look at the people around me and I wonder.  We all have a story inside.  We all need kindness and love.  Some of us deserve it.

This past weekend, I took steps back into my life.  I reconnected with old friends.  I listened to great music.  I spent time with people I love and who love me in return.  No, acceptance and closure are not easy things, but they are so very much better than the gray, stark landscape of denial.

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8 thoughts on “Resisting Closure

  1. Pam,
    It is exciting for me to see another human being write a post like this – it’s like watching a corn stalk in the hot August son and literally seeing it grow. Bravo for bravely moving through that gate. As you continue to step forward, your sadder-but-wiser heart will continue to grow less sad and more wise. Your level of trust of others (and of yourself) in all things big and small will steadily and quietly grow. You are right – the essential you has not changed and that Pam was there all along patiently waiting for you on this side of the gate, with her arms wide open.
    And never, ever say it took too long or regret all the circling you did. Only God knew the hour you would be able to walk through, and it is the truth that you could not have done it even one second before you actually did.
    Your future is a bright one.

  2. You have certainly come a long way and this post rings loud and clear for so many reasons.

    I too wish I had seen the signs, the writing on the wall, but as we know…. you don’t really see it or accept it until you are ready.

    There are so many things I wish I had done differently and I wish I would have had the strength, courage and belief in myself to walk away before.

    I have spent little time here and only beginning to write again but you have certainly grown while I have been away ( looks like most have) and happy to see you are beginning to find an inner peace…. baby steps

    I hope the same for all, including myself.

    • Someone’s Angel,

      It’s good to see you back again. Oh, yes….if ever there was someone who understands that wish of doing things differently, it is ME! 🙂

      On the other hand, there is a part of me that is proud for having the ability to believe in something (no matter how misguided.) Neither of us are quitters, that’s for sure!! Now, we just have to learn to fight for what is good for US as hard as we fought to believe in something that turned out to be hurtful and damaging.

      Inner peace is not something that is easy to find. Moments, brief moments, are beginning to fit and feel like real life. It is those tiny moments that I hang onto. I think they are the building blocks to finding that peace.

      Take care!!!

      Pam

  3. I thoroughly enjoyed this post, P. Obviously, I wish you nothing but the best. Real, honest closure and peace. God knows we deserve it.

    • Thanks, Ruby. You have been my inner voice through all of this. I’m sure I have told many times that your comments were the same as the Pre-Me would have said. Sometimes, it felt like I was scolding myself. It feels good to be holding myself up to the same scrutiny once again. I’m feeling more and more like the old me….whether that be good or bad! 🙂

    • Morgan,

      I think that accepting that there will NEVER, EVER, in a million years be any understanding is what is finally allowing me to gain on closure. Some things, some events, some people will never be understood. Some things (people) are beyond the realm of normal behavior, therefore, they are also beyond understanding.

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