I pushed through that wall. The one good thing about all of this is that I have learned to be patient, be stronger, and wait it out. Redirection. When things get tough, I try so very hard to redirect my thoughts to thinking that is actually productive. I try to think about what I have in my life that DOES work. What can I do to alleviate the negative thoughts? Those thoughts aren’t T’s fault or my kids’. I own those thoughts. It is no one else’s job but mine to get things turned around. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve read a lot. It seems to have paid off. Much of it seems to be working. YIPPEE! So screw you, Negativity and Depression. I will not only win this battle, but I will win the war, too.
I have spent too much time these past few years fighting for things that were not worth my efforts. This time is different. This time, I’m fighting for me. I’m fighting for my life, and I know I will win, because I have finally learned to care about ME. I don’t mean that in a selfish way. What I mean is that at one time I put so much effort into something that did nothing to benefit me. I cared for what did not care for me in return. I was hurt. My family was hurt. Everyone around me suffered due to my misguided efforts. This time is different, because if I fight to get back to ME, then it also benefits the people who love and care for me. Win. Win.
Yes, I was in a crappy state of mind for most of the day. I didn’t accomplish much at all, but I plugged away to the best of my limited abilities. I suppose that’s the most we can ask of ourselves. We do the best we can. If we don’t backtrack, give in, give up, or falter, then we have won a victory for the day. That is something, my friends. Self-respect and integrity at the end of the day is something to be proud of.
Tonight as I was driving home from work, I put my hair up in a ponytail, opened the sunroof and all of the windows. The warm breeze whipped around me. I stuck my arm out of my window and let my hand cup the warm air. My iPod was blasting, and a song from my waaaay distant past came on: Rasul by Spyro Gyra. It’s an old, old song. T and I were so young back when we loved Spyro Gyra. No one we knew had even heard of them. Rasul was a song that moved me. Soprano sax is the main instrument. That was back before Kenny G compromised the poor soprano sax with his greasy, long-haired elevator music.
When I heard Rasul again today, I had such sweet memories. I remembered the old apartment where we sat on the floor listening to LP’s. We had no money, but we had an excellent sound system with GIANT speakers. Sometime in the early 80’s, Spyro Gyra came to a local college for a concert. We scraped together enough money for the tickets, and I still remember what a fascinating show they put on. Their percussion section was amazing, the horns, too. We were transfixed during the entire show.
I listened to Rasul twice today as I drove home, then I called T. He remembered. I could hear the smile in his voice when I called him and told him what I had been listening to. As soon as I got home, I brought my iPod into the living room, and played it on our sound system. T and I laughed. We remembered the giant speakers, and laughed as we looked at our surround sound system. Oh, how things have changed! Now, there are six tiny speakers strategically placed around the room, and the sound could blow our old big boy speakers out of the water.
As we listened, Emily came running down the stairs. She said, “Mom!” when she saw me standing in there. She looked confused. She had thought I was playing. I hugged her for the mistake. I haven’t played my soprano sax, or any other sax for that matter, very much in over a year. Someday soon, though, I’m going to get it out. Someday very soon.