I saw my crazy therapist today.  It hadn’t been a good day at all, and I literally broke down the moment I sat down on her couch.  My head was spinning, and I couldn’t even articulate exactly what was wrong.  I suppose her office has become a safe place.  She is kind.  I was able to let the cracks in my veneer crumble away.  I think she was shocked, because I am usually in control.  Usually our conversations are logical, even methodical.  In the past, we have analyzed situations and scenarios for a deeper understanding.  Today was all emotion; no control; no logic.  Today, I was not in control.  I’ve had enough of control.  Today I simply spilled my guts and let the pain, confusion, and frustration that hold me hostage rise up to the surface.  I think she was shocked.

She said, “Why do you hate yourself?”  At one point, she said, “Wow, your mother sure did a number on you.”  (Oh, my mother contributed, but someone else finished the job.)  I blame myself for every damn thing you can imagine.  I even went so far as to tell her that I felt guilty for eating my salad on the patio last night instead gathering everybody at the kitchen table as a family.  I felt guilty for enjoying the summer evening.  I felt guilty, because I felt that I should have been more formal.  I felt guilty, because T likes a family dinner, and I didn’t make that happen.  ONE NIGHT…I didn’t make that happen, and it made me feel like slime.  In truth, I don’t think T even cared, but I still felt guilty.  The point is, something has gone so wrong inside of me to make me feel like the Master of Mistakes.  I don’t feel like I do anything right.  Nothing is good enough.  I don’t deserve to be loved.  I am worthless.  Just ask me, I can tell you a million reasons why I suck.

Today was a total fail.  I had been seeing my therapist once a month.  She now wants me back in two weeks.  As she walked me to the door, she asked me if I was still taking antidepressants.  When I responded that I had discontinued taking them, she suggested that I resume.  Well, that sucks.  I guess it’s back to La La Land for me.

4 thoughts on “Fail

    • Ruby…I’m doing much better now. I think things build and build…and then are released. That release is good, though, because it usually ushers in a new phase of positive changes. I guess it’s all a process, and not an easy one at that!

      Thanks about the puppy! We are so excited for the next week to go by so that we can finally bring him home.

  1. You are anything but a failure. What so often happens is we fall into a trap of trying to be all things to all people. To please everyone. And the one that comes up short is yourself. You obviously were (and are) a great and caring daughter and grand daughter… mother and wife. You are talented and good at your profession. Don’t make me come up there!!!!

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