I saw my crazy therapist today. It hadn’t been a good day at all, and I literally broke down the moment I sat down on her couch. My head was spinning, and I couldn’t even articulate exactly what was wrong. I suppose her office has become a safe place. She is kind. I was able to let the cracks in my veneer crumble away. I think she was shocked, because I am usually in control. Usually our conversations are logical, even methodical. In the past, we have analyzed situations and scenarios for a deeper understanding. Today was all emotion; no control; no logic. Today, I was not in control. I’ve had enough of control. Today I simply spilled my guts and let the pain, confusion, and frustration that hold me hostage rise up to the surface. I think she was shocked.
She said, “Why do you hate yourself?” At one point, she said, “Wow, your mother sure did a number on you.” (Oh, my mother contributed, but someone else finished the job.) I blame myself for every damn thing you can imagine. I even went so far as to tell her that I felt guilty for eating my salad on the patio last night instead gathering everybody at the kitchen table as a family. I felt guilty for enjoying the summer evening. I felt guilty, because I felt that I should have been more formal. I felt guilty, because T likes a family dinner, and I didn’t make that happen. ONE NIGHT…I didn’t make that happen, and it made me feel like slime. In truth, I don’t think T even cared, but I still felt guilty. The point is, something has gone so wrong inside of me to make me feel like the Master of Mistakes. I don’t feel like I do anything right. Nothing is good enough. I don’t deserve to be loved. I am worthless. Just ask me, I can tell you a million reasons why I suck.
Today was a total fail. I had been seeing my therapist once a month. She now wants me back in two weeks. As she walked me to the door, she asked me if I was still taking antidepressants. When I responded that I had discontinued taking them, she suggested that I resume. Well, that sucks. I guess it’s back to La La Land for me.