I woke up this morning and asked T, “Who do you want today? Crazy Hyper Pam or the Pam Who Sleeps on the Couch?” I told him that he could make the call. He just laughed. I was only kidding, but he knew exactly what I meant.
I have done nothing, literally nothing, this weekend besides sleep. I took a three-hour nap on Friday night after work. I got up and got ready for bed and slept 12 hours. I did manage to tag along during grocery shopping yesterday, but I had to go sit down in the coffee shop at the store, because I was too exhausted to continue shopping. Following the exertion of grocery shopping, I came home and slept for three hours. T had wanted to go out for dinner. At one point during my afternoon hibernation, I remember T coming up and laying down beside me. “Honey, do you want to get up and get ready to go out?” I slept on.
When I finally woke up, it was too late to go out for dinner. It was after 7:00 p.m., and I still had to take a shower. I suggested that we have a quick dinner at home and then head out to a favorite dive bar on the river. I felt so stupid and so sad for sleeping away the day…and night! T wasn’t upset, though. He just told me to go get ready, and he would handle dinner.
Showering and getting dressed zapped me of my energy. Once again, all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep, but I refused to give in. My head felt stuffed full of cotton as it always does when I’m on these meds. Three days, and I was no longer ME. All I wanted was for it to wear off. Sure, I wasn’t obsessing about things, but Good Lord, there were no thoughts in my head at all!
As T and I drove downtown, I enjoyed the beauty of the countryside. Mist hung over the fields. The night was warm, and we drove with the sunroof open. I felt the serenity wrap around me as it always does when I look across these fields I love so much. I wished that we could find a place and just sit. I wanted to keep looking at the sun setting and the mist hanging above the trees. I was so immersed in enjoying the view that I didn’t say one word as we drove. My reverie was interrupted when T said, “Are you OK?” His voice shocked me. I was so intent on looking out the window that I had forgotten everything else. Was I OK? Sure, if you don’t count drug-induced zoning out. The dive bar was packed with a private party, so we drove on.
We drove past one place after another. T would ask if I wanted to stop. No thanks. Did I want ice cream? No thanks. What did I want to do then? Oh, let’s just go home. Once we got home, we opened a couple of beers and sat on the patio. It was nice, and we had a good conversation. Eventually, my eyes began to droop again, and T said, “Go to bed, sweetheart.”
Here I am after another 12-hour sleep session. For the first time in days, my head is beginning to clear. That must mean that it’s time to take a pill. As soon as I begin to feel like ME again, it’s time for another pill. Right now, I feel energy and ambition. I want to head outside and work in the garden. I want to mop the kitchen floor later. I want to enjoy this beautiful Sunday. If I take another pill, the only thing that will happen is that I will want to sleep. If I take a pill and manage to stay awake, I won’t be me. I will be a zoned-out person who just happens to look like me.
The much-needed rest has been great, but the foggy headed, cotton stuffing, feeling is not so great. In fact, I think part of the reason I have craved sleep is to avoid how horrible I feel when I am awake. Screw this. I am not going to take another pill. I remember so vividly why I stopped taking these meds last time. I had been on them for months, and I remember the relief I felt once that fog lifted. I remember the determination and protection I felt to remain ME. Good, bad, crazy, stressed…whatever. I am who I am. I need to deal with that, not drug myself into some other foggy-headed compliant shell of who I am.
I am smiling right now. It feels so good to have my fight back. I think I’m going to be OK.
