Lexapro Fog

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I woke up this morning and asked T, “Who do you want today?  Crazy Hyper Pam or the Pam Who Sleeps on the Couch?”  I told him that he could make the call.  He just laughed.  I was only kidding, but he knew exactly what I meant.

I have done nothing, literally nothing, this weekend besides sleep.  I took a three-hour nap on Friday night after work.  I got up and got ready for bed and slept 12 hours.  I did manage to tag along during grocery shopping yesterday, but I had to go sit down in the coffee shop at the store, because I was too exhausted to continue shopping.  Following the exertion of grocery shopping, I came home and slept for three hours.  T had wanted to go out for dinner.  At one point during my afternoon hibernation, I remember T coming up and laying down beside me.  “Honey, do you want to get up and get ready to go out?”  I slept on.

When I finally woke up, it was too late to go out for dinner.  It was after 7:00 p.m., and I still had to take a shower.  I suggested that we have a quick dinner at home and then head out to a favorite dive bar on the river.  I felt so stupid and so sad for sleeping away the day…and night!  T wasn’t upset, though.  He just told me to go get ready, and he would handle dinner.

Showering and getting dressed zapped me of my energy.  Once again, all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep, but I refused to give in.  My head felt stuffed full of cotton as it always does when I’m on these meds.  Three days, and I was no longer ME.  All I wanted was for it to wear off.  Sure, I wasn’t obsessing about things, but Good Lord, there were no thoughts in my head at all!

As T and I drove downtown, I enjoyed the beauty of the countryside.  Mist hung over the fields.  The  night was warm, and we drove with the sunroof open.  I felt the serenity wrap around me as it always does when I look across these fields I love so much.  I wished that we could find a place and just sit.  I wanted to keep looking at the sun setting and the mist hanging above the trees.  I was so immersed in enjoying the view that I didn’t say one word as we drove.  My reverie was interrupted when T said, “Are you OK?”  His voice shocked me.  I was so intent on looking out the window that I had forgotten everything else.  Was I OK?  Sure, if you don’t count drug-induced zoning out.  The dive bar was packed with a private party, so we drove on.

We drove past one place after another.  T would ask if I wanted to stop.  No thanks.  Did I want ice cream?  No thanks.  What did I want to do then?  Oh, let’s just go home.  Once we got home, we opened a couple of beers and sat on the patio.  It was nice, and we had a good conversation.  Eventually, my  eyes began to droop again, and T said, “Go to bed, sweetheart.”

Here I am after another 12-hour sleep session.  For the first time in days, my head is beginning to clear.  That must mean that it’s time to take a pill.  As soon as I begin to feel like ME again, it’s time for another pill.  Right now, I feel energy and ambition.  I want to head outside and work in the garden.  I want to mop the kitchen floor later.  I want to enjoy this beautiful Sunday.  If I take another pill, the only thing that will happen is that I will want to sleep.  If I take a pill and manage to stay awake, I won’t be me.  I will be a zoned-out person who just happens to look like me.

The much-needed rest has been great, but the foggy headed, cotton stuffing, feeling is not so great.  In fact, I think part of the reason I have craved sleep is to avoid how horrible I feel when I am awake.  Screw this.  I am not going to take another pill.  I remember so vividly why I stopped taking these meds last time.  I had been on them for months, and I remember the relief I felt once that fog lifted.  I remember the determination and protection I felt to remain ME.  Good, bad, crazy, stressed…whatever.  I am who I am.  I need to deal with that, not drug myself into some other foggy-headed compliant shell of who I am.

I am smiling right now.  It feels so good to have my fight back.  I think I’m going to be OK.

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