Cathartic

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the terrible breakdown I had in my therapist’s office.  In the two years that I have been seeing her, the day of the breakdown was probably the most honest moment I have allowed myself to have during our sessions.  I freaked her out.  Heck, I freaked myself out!  I took her advice (for about four days) and began taking antidepressants again.  I could have continued to numb myself into a state of calm.  I did that before.  I’m not saying that there isn’t a time when medication is necessary and beneficial.  I’m not saying that those who choose to go that route are wrong.  However, at this time and place in my life, antidepressants are not what is needed.  I don’t need to be numbed.  Instead, my breakdown was cathartic.  It made me ultra-aware that the changes that are needed in my life must come from within myself.  Instead of numbness, I need strength.  As painful and as difficult as that day in my therapist’s office was, and the days that followed, I have come out on the other side with a new awareness and sense of self-protection.  The breakdown forced me to face lingering issues.  After all, something caused it.  Something was WRONG.  I could either numb it, and in my opinion, deny the problem, or I could begin to look for causes, answers, and potential solutions.

The past two weeks have been interesting to say the least.  I feel lighter and more determined.  By letting it all out, something was released.  Something was purged, and although it exhausted me for a number of days, I’ve come out of it feeling much stronger.  I’m ready to take on life again with a renewed sense of ME.

Something else is happening, too, and it is difficult to explain.  Signs, things are happening, situations are being presented to me.  Maybe these signs, opportunities, or hope has been there all along, and I have just been too self-involved to see it, but I feel an amazing energy in my life right now.  I almost feel like I am being swept away in a tide.

It all began on the Fourth of July when my brother in-law came over, and we began our incredible discussions on the possibility of moving to Florida.  The Fourth of July.  I think its kind of ironic that these changes all began on Independence Day.

The weekend was filled with excitement.  We endlessly discussed the move, and our new puppy joined the family.  The joy he brings to us all multiplies daily.  He is perfect, sweet, adorable, and funny.  I can’t imagine our household without him now.

Today I was back to work after a five-day break.  I walked into the office with a smile on my face.  By the afternoon, the smile was gone.  I felt frustration and stress again.  My week is full.  Three nights this week, I have to stay downtown for a work-related event.  During my lunch hour, T called me.  How was I feeling?  Was I still excited by the prospect of a major change or had my return to work changed my feelings?  Without a doubt, I knew.  A change is what is needed.  This is not an escape, it is a second chance.  This will be a chance to leave behind the things that gnaw at my soul, sap my happiness, and steal my energy.  I told him that I am looking forward to the change.  The sooner, the better.

Tonight T and I continued to pack things in our house to sell on the auction.  We took two loads over to my parents’ house.  I got rid of all of my cookbooks.  I can’t even remember the last time I used one of them.  I went through drawers of unused greeting cards.  I boxed up candles.  I could feel the load begin to lighten.  Years of hanging onto THINGS, and for what reason?  It feels so good to say, “No, I don’t need this any longer.  I won’t be using this.”  It feels so good to strip away these things that are holding us down, keeping us in the same place.  These things are no longer important.

Each day since the Fourth of July has brought something new and incredible, as if the universe is sending me messages.  Lessons are being taught.  Messages are being sent.  This time, I am listening.

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