Less Than Four Hours

It’s on its way.  NOVEMBER.  God, how I hate November!  I have a calendar hanging in my office.  It has prints of art deco Parisian fashion plates, and I have loved seeing each new picture as I turn the page on another month.  However, in October, each time I have looked up at my calendar, I have felt dread.  Tomorrow,  I turn will turn the page to November.  For the next month, memories will haunt me.  So many bad memories crammed into a short span in the calendar year.  I should be grateful that the other months of the calendar are free from memories of loss, death, and confusion.  I won’t breathe freely until mid-December.  I’ll just be waiting for yet another tragedy to add to the tally.

Realistic, Attainable Goals

Yesterday morning, Emily and I were sitting in the living room messing around on our new laptops.  (YAY!)  She and I spent most of the day lounging around.  I have been plagued this past week with a recurring (and I believe stress-related) backache.  Emily was more than happy to spend a lazy Saturday keeping me company.  From time to time, our conversation broke the silence of our fingers clicking on the keyboards.

Sometimes People Suck

Anyone out there who thinks that government employees are overpaid, lazy people who can’t get a job in the private sector, think again.  Most of us have been employed in the private sector at one time or another.  Many of us will return to the private sector again at some point in the future.  That’s where I’ll be once again when I can no longer take the stress of being a government employee.  While I can only speak for myself, I am in this job, because I want to make a difference.  I believe in what I do, and that means something to me.  I’ve been in jobs before where I was nothing but a corporate drone.  Now I’m in the trenches, and most of the time I like that.  Although, all too often the people I am fighting for perceive me as an enemy or “one of the bad guys.”

Too Many Goodbyes

I called my son Andrew last night, and I told him, “I hate this whole f’ing growing up thing!”  He said, “Whoa, Mom!”  He knew what I meant.  We had been talking about his brother’s visit home last week.  While Andrew wanted to hear all about it, he hated the fact that he had not been able to come home, too.  He said, “I wish that I could be part of the antics, Mom.”

Golden Yellow Cords

On Friday I took a vacation day, because Lola had no school due to parent teacher conferences.  T and I met with her fourth grade teacher the previous evening, so Friday was a relaxing day of sleeping in and hanging out.  I’ll take a moment here to be a proud, doting mother.  Lola received an A+ in every subject, and I am so proud of her!  She is an amazing girl. I am especially proud, because she refuses any help or parental checking of her homework.  She earned those grades, and she’s very proud of her achievement. I am, too!

Ocular Migraine

I’ve just spent the past half hour as a semi-blind person.  For a while, I sat at my desk straightening papers.  There was no way that I could see my computer screen to type.  After a while, when I felt that I could walk down the hall without running into a wall, I made the rounds saying good morning to people and catching up after the weekend.  I was passing time, waiting for the shimmering to subside and the Ibuprofen to kick in.

Not many people know that I have frequent bouts of semi-blindness.  It’s harmless and has been going on for probably 20 years.

The first time it happened, I thought I was having a stroke.  I’ll never forget that day.  I was in Menards with T and the kids (the oldest ones, anyway.)  The shimmering began, migrated, and enveloped my vision.  I remember walking along behind the cart deathly afraid that I would soon collapse and die on the spot, yet I said nothing.  I wonder how long it took me to figure out that I wasn’t actally having a stroke?  I don’t remember that part!

My vision is clearing now.  There are just tiny rainbows shimmering in the periphery of everything around me.  I feel shaky and worn out, but there’s no time to worry about that.

Happy Monday Morning!

 

 

For Dad

 

I heard this song today as I drove to work.  I had been driving along, looking at the now-barren fields, the beauty of the blue sky, and the wispy clouds overhead.  As always, I felt calmed and grounded by this land that I love.  It was during moments like this morning, that I would often pick up my phone to call my dad, my connection to all that has come before me and loved this land in very much the same way.  As tears filled my eyes at the painful reminder that I can no longer reach out and hear my dad’s voice, I remembered that his spirit is always near me.  And then this song played on my iPod.

At The End of a Long, Long Day

I had some bad news today.  My laptop is dead.  That’s it.  They said that it can’t be fixed.  Time to get a new one.  So for now, I am still delegated to this computer with the sticky keyboard located in a room off of the kitchen.  My blogging is going to suffer!