Proboscis

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hummingbird mothWe were all sitting on the patio this evening.  Cocktail Hour.  T and I sat watching a large moth gathering nectar.  It was huge and looked almost like a humming bird.  The moth moved from planter to planter, flower to flower.

Em watched it along with us, and she was fine until we told her that it was NOT a humming bird.  Then she freaked out as if the moth were suddenly going to attack her.  I explained to her that the moth didn’t have a stinger.  When it darted past her head as it moved to the other side of the patio.  Em was ready to go back inside.searching

I asked her to calm down and told her to look at his proboscis as he moved through the pot of petunias.  “His what?” she said.  I asked T if this was a Hornworm Moth, sometimes called a Hawk Moth.  Em looked shocked.  She thought she knew her parents, and we were suddenly talking like a couple of entomologists. Continue Reading »

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A Time To Relax

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I hadn’t realized how lonely I have been these past four months.  Work, Parenting, Work, Parenting….that was the extent of my life.  Oh, you could throw in a little housework and a lot of laundry, too.  It’s nice to have some down time and companionship now that T is living with us.

My organization is hosting an event on Thursday night that draws about 30,000 people downtown.  Putting out fires, talking to band managers, the event coordinator, and dealing with my staff of drama queens for the past few weeks has been exhausting.  I am about ready to enter meltdown stage.  Having T here to help lighten my load has been wonderful.  He’s still unemployed, and so he’s been driving in to meet me for lunch each day.  Yesterday he listened to me talk about my morning, and he said, “Please let me know if you need me to do anything.  Whatever you need, I’m here.”  I almost had tears in my eyes, because I knew that he meant those words.  If I need something, he’s here.  I’m no longer alone.  Hopefully, I won’t need T’s help, but that’s not the point.  He offered, and I knew he would be true to his word. Continue Reading »

Reunited!

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PeachesHerb

T quit his job.  Yep.  His last day was Friday.  By 6:00 p.m. he was home.  Home here with me.  After four months of living apart, we’re under the same roof once again.  Two empty houses sit back at home.  Neither one of them are sold.  Although we have an offer pending on my parents’ home, we’re not taking that for granted.  Four previous offers have fallen through at the 11th hour.  T had hoped to have a job offer prior to quitting his job and moving here.  Hopefully, he will by the end of this week, but that hasn’t happened yet.  Finally….finally…finally after months of living apart, T took a GIANT leap outside of his comfort zone.  He said a mental “F*&# it” and joined his family.   Continue Reading »

Precipice

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***Below is another draft blog post.  This one was written on November 16, 2011, almost two years ago now.  The event I refer to below is now even further in my past.  

I’m thankful for the gift of time.  Some pain never completely goes away, but time does heal.  Pain changes us in both good and bad ways.  I will never understand why things happened as they did.  I wish that I didn’t have this knowledge and experience with lies, cruelty, and deception.  I have been forever changed in ways that still make me sad.  I mourn my loss of innocence and my loss of the ability to trust.  I still struggle with the fact that I often expect the worst from people instead of seeing their best.  

However, I did learn one lesson that I hope to never forget.  At my darkest hour, I found myself alone, and I blame myself for that fact.  I had cut myself off from the good things in my life.  I had lost my relationship with God; I had emotionally distanced myself from my family and friends.  My emotions, loyalties, energy, and efforts had been misplaced.  I was lost, and it was my own fault.  I poured my emotions into blogging.  I talked to a therapist seeking answers.  Neither of those things worked.  The blog helped sometimes, but in the end, I was still alone.  The therapist helped even less.  I was seeking answers, reaching out like a person in the dark.  I was grasping and lost.

Life IS better now.  I am beginning to find my way.  I know who I am and where I am.  I’m beginning to soften and to carefully trust again…very carefully.

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As I drove to work this morning, my thoughts were full of where I was in my life on THIS DAY exactly one year ago.  November 16, 2010 was the date of the biggest betrayal of my life.  I remembered phone conversations from that terrible day.  I remembered what I wore, gold skirt and a black sweater.  I remembered sitting on my therapist’s couch, and I was shaking with fear.  I was worried, yet hopeful. Continue Reading »

Crusty Old Broad

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***Another old one – October 14, 2011.  I am pleased to say that I DO recycle now.  Although…I have become crustier in many other ways!

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Just as I had hoped, I am becoming a crusty old broad.  With each passing year, I am less and less concerned about the opinions of those around me.  That does not mean that I am not nice to people.  It doesn’t mean that I am grouchy, crabby, or impatient.  I’m not unkempt or uncaring.  What it means is that I give less and less significance (or less of a shit!) to the opinions of others.  I am learning to embrace my own opinions.  Don’t like the same things I like?  That’s fine, just don’t begrudge me my opinion on the matter.  I am learning to stand on my own feet and value my own opinions (right or wrong) without having to gather the consensus of those around me.  Finally, at the tender age of ???, I am beginning to feel like a grown-up.  This realization has been revealing itself to me in bits and pieces over the last year or so. Continue Reading »

Not A Hallmark Card

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***Another “Blast From the Past.”  I’ve been reading through the blog posts in the Drafts folder.  I’m deleting some of them.  Others, like this one, I will post.

This entry was written on Sept. 5, 2011.  Weird that I would read this today….exactly two years after I wrote this entry.  All I can say is, “WOW!”  Our lives, all of our lives, have changed so much in these past two years!  

I called Andrew tonight, and read him this blog entry.  He was stunned, too, by how things have changed.  Thankfully, the changes have been for the better.  Yes, there have been many, many growing pains along the way, but I am so very proud to say that we’re all in a better place now.  🙂

As much as I wish that my life would be as neat and tidy as a Hallmark card, things usually end up being much more like the made-for-TV, full-blown, Sunday night Hallmark movie, a Kleenex box tear-jerker. Continue Reading »

Musings on Henry Miller and Anais Nin

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Note:  I have been going through my old “unposted” posts.  I’ll post a few of them from time to time.  This post was originally written on July 24, 2011.

I have had a year-long fascination with Henry Miller.  To be exact, I have been fascinated by the love affair of Henry Miller and Anais Nin.  No longer.  I have done enough research, read enough bibliographical materials, and read enough of their own personal works to be satisfied that they were both dogs.  They seemed to operate without care or conscience to those around them.

After her years of financially supporting her lover, Henry Miller, Anais Nin moved on to other men.  At one point, Nin kept what she called a “Lie Box.”  Apparently being married to two men, one on the east coast and one on the west, entailed a great deal of deception.  She wrote her lies down on cards and carried them around in her Lie Box.  It is said that she carried an enormous purse at all times containing the necessary paperwork to keep her life of lies going smoothly.  It was also said that her long-time, original husband “chose not to know.” Continue Reading »