Beware of Narcissists

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I began writing this blog post weeks ago.  I’m not sure where I was going with it, but I felt that it was a relevant follow-up to yesterday’s post.  ~ Pam

In recent years, I have been engaged in a war, my own private, personal holy war.  I hadn’t realized it until recently, but hindsight has a way of pealing away the layers of emotion to reveal still shots, vignettes, of truth.  To look at me, no one would be able to guess the battles I have waged and the exhaustion in my weary mind and body.  From the outside looking in, I appear to be calm, successful, and in control of my lovely life.  In reality, I am wary, cautious, always looking deeply into the eyes, minds, and hearts of the people who enter my life.  On what side of this war have they placed their allegiance?  It’s not always an easy thing to identify.  The enemy is  clever.  They cloak themselves in good humor, joviality, even friendship.  They are intelligent and always charming, but eventually, it is impossible for them to stay under cover.  The black spots on their souls eventually appear.  Most of them aren’t clever enough to cross the guard posts that surround me.  My experience is my defense.  My security is tight.  Very few people are allowed to cross into my camp.  My circle of real friends is small.  I keep most people out, or at least far enough away not to allow them to hurt me.  If I don’t allow myself to care, I won’t be hurt..  I don’t allow many people to enter into my emotional world.  No doubt, this keeps good people out, but that is of little consequence to me.  I don’t care.  The most important thing is to keep the enemy at bay. Continue Reading »

Tomorrow Began Yesterday

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Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

It’s all now you see: tomorrow began yesterday and yesterday won’t be over until tomorrow. – William Faulkner

It’s a quiet morning, and I’m in the house alone sitting in my room, sipping on a steaming cup of coffee, and cuddled under the covers in my robe.  Mornings like this are a rarity, and I am fully enjoying the moment.  Out there beyond my bedroom door are lists of things I need to buy and things I need to do.  Kids and family will begin descending on our house either tonight or tomorrow.  I haven’t really been able to clarify exactly who is being brought along to our house…or when.  For now though, until my feet hit the floor with some kind of purpose, these morning moments belong to me.   Continue Reading »

Precipice

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***Below is another draft blog post.  This one was written on November 16, 2011, almost two years ago now.  The event I refer to below is now even further in my past.  

I’m thankful for the gift of time.  Some pain never completely goes away, but time does heal.  Pain changes us in both good and bad ways.  I will never understand why things happened as they did.  I wish that I didn’t have this knowledge and experience with lies, cruelty, and deception.  I have been forever changed in ways that still make me sad.  I mourn my loss of innocence and my loss of the ability to trust.  I still struggle with the fact that I often expect the worst from people instead of seeing their best.  

However, I did learn one lesson that I hope to never forget.  At my darkest hour, I found myself alone, and I blame myself for that fact.  I had cut myself off from the good things in my life.  I had lost my relationship with God; I had emotionally distanced myself from my family and friends.  My emotions, loyalties, energy, and efforts had been misplaced.  I was lost, and it was my own fault.  I poured my emotions into blogging.  I talked to a therapist seeking answers.  Neither of those things worked.  The blog helped sometimes, but in the end, I was still alone.  The therapist helped even less.  I was seeking answers, reaching out like a person in the dark.  I was grasping and lost.

Life IS better now.  I am beginning to find my way.  I know who I am and where I am.  I’m beginning to soften and to carefully trust again…very carefully.

cliff_jump

As I drove to work this morning, my thoughts were full of where I was in my life on THIS DAY exactly one year ago.  November 16, 2010 was the date of the biggest betrayal of my life.  I remembered phone conversations from that terrible day.  I remembered what I wore, gold skirt and a black sweater.  I remembered sitting on my therapist’s couch, and I was shaking with fear.  I was worried, yet hopeful. Continue Reading »

Not A Hallmark Card

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***Another “Blast From the Past.”  I’ve been reading through the blog posts in the Drafts folder.  I’m deleting some of them.  Others, like this one, I will post.

This entry was written on Sept. 5, 2011.  Weird that I would read this today….exactly two years after I wrote this entry.  All I can say is, “WOW!”  Our lives, all of our lives, have changed so much in these past two years!  

I called Andrew tonight, and read him this blog entry.  He was stunned, too, by how things have changed.  Thankfully, the changes have been for the better.  Yes, there have been many, many growing pains along the way, but I am so very proud to say that we’re all in a better place now.  🙂

As much as I wish that my life would be as neat and tidy as a Hallmark card, things usually end up being much more like the made-for-TV, full-blown, Sunday night Hallmark movie, a Kleenex box tear-jerker. Continue Reading »

Three Months Out

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I’ve been thinking about this blog a lot lately.  I have intended to write an update for weeks.  The truth is, I have been too busy, too overwhelmed, and often too tired.  So much has happened during these past months.  I don’t know where to begin.  I’ll start with the basics.

I have moved, and I’m beginning to feel somewhat settled.  I’ve begun to feel a sense of “new normal” beginning to emerge over the past few weeks.  I am renting a nice house in a lovely neighborhood.  The girls live with me and are adjusting nicely.  T is still living in our home two hours away.  Both our home and my parents’ home remain on the market.   We have had three different offers on the homes fall through.  An offer is pending now on my parents’ home, but I’m taking wagers on when this most recent offer will hit the proverbial brick wall.  T visits us on the weekends.  He has a potential job offer in the works, but I’m trying not to think too much about anything that isn’t final.  I’ve begun to learn that until the T’s are crossed and the I’s are dotted, ANYTHING can happen.  (I’ve had to learn that lesson the hard way!) Continue Reading »

Randomly Posting

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I haven’t written anything in three months.  In fact, I haven’t read anything….AT ALL.  Nothing.  Beyond street signs, I’ve been outside of the world of words.  I made my blog private, not because I had anything to hide, but because I needed to hide from myself.  I was hiding from the self that was introspective, analyzing, thinking, and remembering.  I wanted to see only the truth, and I wanted to concentrate on real things, the things that were/are right in front of me.  Writing was/is an escape.   Writing allowed me to slip away from reality into a world of introspection.  Self-pity?  Yeah, my writing often allowed me to wallow in everything that was wrong while I ignored the many things that were right. Continue Reading »

Listening For Calm

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There was a time when I saw music in my head.  As I fell asleep at night, I would listen to my iPod.  I had a special “Sleeping Playlist” that I listened to each night.  I became so familiar with the songs that I could see the music as I listened.  Notes would dance across my closed eyes as I fell asleep.  Their gentle movement up and down the staff lulled me to sleep.  I drifted off as I became part of the music.  My mind was clear, troubling thoughts rarely intruded to interrupt my slumber.  It was just me and the music.  I was at peace with myself and the world around me.  That allowed me to appreciate the beauty and the composition of the music. Continue Reading »

Imagine My Surprise

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I’ve been silent for a while in the blogging world.  I’ve missed writing, but I’ve been afraid.  I was a little freaked out.  A couple of weeks ago, I took a sick day.  I wasn’t feeling well, was exhausted, and I knew that the rest of my week was going to be full of long days.  Sure, I could have made it through the day, but I was running on empty.  My tank was sucking fumes.  The  morning I stayed home sick, I took things slowly.  Eventually, I ended up on my patio with my iPad and a cup of coffee.  I was going to write.  When I logged into my blog, I was shocked.  Someone from my office had logged on earlier that morning, but I was NOT in the office.  I immediately changed my password and set the blog to private. Continue Reading »