Lexapro Fog

I woke up this morning and asked T, “Who do you want today?  Crazy Hyper Pam or the Pam Who Sleeps on the Couch?”  I told him that he could make the call.  He just laughed.  I was only kidding, but he knew exactly what I meant.

Twitchy

 

 The Problem

Well, I got through the bout of depression yesterday.  I didn’t take more Lexapro.  The Chick-fil-A helped.  A lot.  Closing the door to my office for a while helped.  Mostly what helped was identifying that there was something, a lot of somethings,  bothering me. 

While I had lunch, I sat and thought about it.  What in the heck was wrong with me?  I was overwhelmed.  Expanding the program is a huge job.  All morning, I had been asked for information (as if had the answers!)  What tax rate increase was I proposing?  HA!  ME….proposing a tax increase!  Who was I to propose a tax increase?  Who was I to create a budget of this magnitude?  How in the world did I get that authority?  Whatever I did, I knew that I would have to take ownership of my actions.  Eyes were on me, expecting me to know the answers.  Did I have answers?  Well, at that point, I just wanted to go home, be pregnant, and work in the garden.  I wanted to run away, but that was really not an option. 

Also, there were things in my personal life that were weighing on my mind.  Often, the choices in front of us are not easy.  What might seem like a great idea in the short-term, may end up being a damaging choice in the long run.  It’s easy to pick those short-term fixes.   Those are the choices that get you through the day…..or the week….or….on and on, but in the end, thoughtless choices will turn around and bite you in the butt.  What might make you feel good or happy in the present is often the same thing that will cause you pain in the long run.  I was facing one of those personal choices yesterday.  On the surface, it didn’t seem like a big deal.  I could have fooled myself into believing that, but my gut and my heart were giving me different advice.

The Solution

I had needed the quiet time at lunch to break all of these issues down into more manageable pieces.  First, I tackled the work issues.  The information was out there.  If I didn’t know the answers, then I knew how to get them.  I made some phone calls.  I called my contacts at the state level.  I called a friend who did my same job in another city.  I called a professor in New Jersey.  By the time I was done making phone calls, I had a fairly good idea what direction I was heading.  There is still more work to be done before I make a recommendation, but at least I am feeling confident in the process of arriving at a decision.  Taking some positive action on this matter helped tremendously.

Then the personal issues needed to be addressed.  I left my office to make a phone call.  A friend, I needed the support of a friend.  The funny thing was, I called my “sister from a different mother,”  but she didn’t answer.  This woman I have never met, but know in my heart.  She is a fellow blogger, and our lives are on a parallel path.  We have known each other for an eternity it seems.  I called her, but she didn’t answer.  I left a long and rambling voicemail.  (I’m good at that!)  By the time I finished leaving my message, I had worked through the greatest part of my issue on my own.  I had simply needed to say it out loud.  I returned to my office feeling as if a weight had been lifted. 

On my own, I had chopped down to the root.  I hacked away at the cloud of depression bit by bit.  I fought back against what was swallowing me up.  I’ve learned something over these past horrible months.  If you don’t fight back against it, it WILL win.  Yesterday, I won.  A small, but much-needed, victory for me. 

Solace of Home

I was so happy to be driving home last night.  I was happy to leave the city.  I needed to see the wide fields beginning to turn green.  I needed the sky and the peace.  I was happy to see T home from his day at work.  We took a moment to talk in the kitchen.  I told him my problems of the day.  He listened.  That was it.  Listening was all I needed.

Those moments didn’t last very long.  Soon, we were Mom and Dad again.  Our energies were consumed by the needs of those around us.  Whatever dilemmas we had faced during our days didn’t/couldn’t matter now.  We are the parents.  We are the ones in charge.  We prepare the food, listen to the stories our children need to share each day.  We put our own issues, trials, and feelings aside for the “good of the whole.”  That’s what parents do. 

When I climbed into bed last night, T was already there waiting.  He had been sleeping, but he woke up when I laid down.  I was facing him, when he rolled over towards me.  He rubbed my back.  There was nothing sexual in his touch.  It was simply peaceful and calming.  I felt the tension that I didn’t even know existed begin to leave the muscles in my back and shoulders.  Solace.  My muscles softly twitched as I began to relax.  As I fell asleep, I thought of a horse, a high-strung animal like myself, high-strung and twitchy.  T was reaching that high-strung animal inside of me.  He didn’t know it, but he was calming some primal fear that had been rippling beneath my surface all day.  This time, I allowed myself to sink into the calm.  I let go of my need to control, and I allowed myself to be calmed.

Cloud of Depression

It’s back.  It’s hanging over my head.  I wish I could huff and puff and make it go away. 

It wasn’t there when I woke up.  The weather is beautiful today.  It has nothing to do with lack of sunshine.  I like what I’m wearing.  It’s not a bad hair day.  No one and nothing in particular has upset me. 

It began during our weekly staff meeting.  As I sat there, I could feel my nerves zipping around.  I felt twitchy.  I felt claustrophobic.  I wished so much that I could simply get up and walk out of the room.  Where did I want to go, though?  Oh….I wanted to go somewhere and lie down curled up in a ball and just sleep until this goes away. 

I wasn’t sitting in the best spot at that meeting.  We all take turns going around the table and giving project updates.  I was last.  AND…I was furthest away from the coffee maker.  Damn, how I wanted a cup of coffee.  Of course, I started obsessing about how I might possibly make my way around the table and across the room to pour a cup.  Impossible.  So, no coffee. 

As I sat there, my phone buzzed and buzzed.  Emails, so many emails, were coming in while I was wasting my time at this mandatory, time-wasting meeting.  The buzzing just added to my stress and anxiety.  I wasn’t alone.  Everyone’s phones were buzzing.  Everyone was only listening half-heartedly, just waiting for their turns to speak. 

I thought about the Lexapro I had taken this morning.  Months ago, I began taking Lexparo.  At first it was a wonderful help, but I lost myself somewher along the line.  I became a zombie.  10 mg. wasn’t working for me.  I had been a zombie on 10 mg., so I had stopped taking it altogether.  Not a good idea.  I was back on the Lexapro, but this time taking 5 mg.  For the past couple of months, that had been a good balance.  Not today.  I thought about taking another 5 mg when I got back to my office.  I didn’t do it.  I don’t want to got that route.  I don’t want to zombie-out again.  I just want this to go AWAY.

It’s lunchtime now.  I ran a few work-related errands.  My face feels like stone when I interact with people.  It might break if I were to smile. 

I stopped for some comfort food.  Chic-fil-A and a Pepsi.  I’m back in the office now with my door closed.  I never close my door.  I want a few moments of chicken and peace.  I hear people slow down as they pass by my door.  Well, it’s no crime to eat in peace.  Screw them.