Beware of Narcissists

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cowkrer

I began writing this blog post weeks ago.  I’m not sure where I was going with it, but I felt that it was a relevant follow-up to yesterday’s post.  ~ Pam

In recent years, I have been engaged in a war, my own private, personal holy war.  I hadn’t realized it until recently, but hindsight has a way of pealing away the layers of emotion to reveal still shots, vignettes, of truth.  To look at me, no one would be able to guess the battles I have waged and the exhaustion in my weary mind and body.  From the outside looking in, I appear to be calm, successful, and in control of my lovely life.  In reality, I am wary, cautious, always looking deeply into the eyes, minds, and hearts of the people who enter my life.  On what side of this war have they placed their allegiance?  It’s not always an easy thing to identify.  The enemy is  clever.  They cloak themselves in good humor, joviality, even friendship.  They are intelligent and always charming, but eventually, it is impossible for them to stay under cover.  The black spots on their souls eventually appear.  Most of them aren’t clever enough to cross the guard posts that surround me.  My experience is my defense.  My security is tight.  Very few people are allowed to cross into my camp.  My circle of real friends is small.  I keep most people out, or at least far enough away not to allow them to hurt me.  If I don’t allow myself to care, I won’t be hurt..  I don’t allow many people to enter into my emotional world.  No doubt, this keeps good people out, but that is of little consequence to me.  I don’t care.  The most important thing is to keep the enemy at bay. Continue Reading »

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Musings on Henry Miller and Anais Nin

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Note:  I have been going through my old “unposted” posts.  I’ll post a few of them from time to time.  This post was originally written on July 24, 2011.

I have had a year-long fascination with Henry Miller.  To be exact, I have been fascinated by the love affair of Henry Miller and Anais Nin.  No longer.  I have done enough research, read enough bibliographical materials, and read enough of their own personal works to be satisfied that they were both dogs.  They seemed to operate without care or conscience to those around them.

After her years of financially supporting her lover, Henry Miller, Anais Nin moved on to other men.  At one point, Nin kept what she called a “Lie Box.”  Apparently being married to two men, one on the east coast and one on the west, entailed a great deal of deception.  She wrote her lies down on cards and carried them around in her Lie Box.  It is said that she carried an enormous purse at all times containing the necessary paperwork to keep her life of lies going smoothly.  It was also said that her long-time, original husband “chose not to know.” Continue Reading »

Sometimes People Suck

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Anyone out there who thinks that government employees are overpaid, lazy people who can’t get a job in the private sector, think again.  Most of us have been employed in the private sector at one time or another.  Many of us will return to the private sector again at some point in the future.  That’s where I’ll be once again when I can no longer take the stress of being a government employee.  While I can only speak for myself, I am in this job, because I want to make a difference.  I believe in what I do, and that means something to me.  I’ve been in jobs before where I was nothing but a corporate drone.  Now I’m in the trenches, and most of the time I like that.  Although, all too often the people I am fighting for perceive me as an enemy or “one of the bad guys.” Continue Reading »

Yelling Sucks

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Today someone yelled at me.  It was at the end of the day.  I am sick and exhausted.  My energy was already depleted, and the yelling sucked away whatever remained.  Even now, hours later, I am shaking.  I didn’t deserve to be yelled at.  While I spoke in a calm, reserved voice, this person blamed me for causing their lack of control.  No.  No person deserves to be yelled at, and no person can be the cause of another’s lack of control.  Hang up the phone.  Walk away.  Table the discussion.  Mentally healthy adults do not yell…..under any circumstance.  Yelling is a selfish, weak, self-absorbed way to handle a difficult situation.  Yelling is cowardly. Continue Reading »

Shun/Un-shun

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I have thought a lot about shunning recently. The definition of shunning is “to avoid deliberately; to keep away from.”  The act of shunning is common in some religions.  It’s also common among middle school girls.  Various forms of shunning are used among family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers.  For shunning to have any meaning, an emotional or social connection needs to be present.  Shunning is a form of bullying.  Shunning is also one of the most  insidious, passive-aggressive forms of abuse. Continue Reading »

Crazy Stress

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The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind.  I have missed writing, but I haven’t had time or energy.  The worst part was the fact that I have not allowed myself to write.  I have had nothing decent to say.  I have once again been mired down in frustration, stress, and depression.  Work has been a political, back-stabbing fest.  People I had once considered friends seem to be going out of their way to trip me up and make my life a bit uncomfortable.  Decency and kindness have been in short supply.  The past couple of weeks have been topsy turvy and confusing.  Mostly, it has seemed as if FRUSTRATION has been around every corner. Continue Reading »

Kindle Me Happy

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I question everything.  I seek understanding.  Until I have answers to my questions, my mind won’t shut up.  If I don’t understand something, especially the behavior of others, I mull it over and over until I am satisfied with their motives, reasons, or what is causing their behavior.  If someone snaps at me without cause, I try not to take it personally.  Instead, I want to help.  What has them upset?  What’s wrong?  What can I do to help?  Most times in my life, this has served me well.  My attempts to empathize and understand the behavior of those around me (and not take it personally) has given me a better understanding of myself and has kept conflict to a minimum. Continue Reading »