Cattle Prod

2 Comments

Cattle Prod

Last night as I sat on the couch, I wished for a cattle prod.  I had worked all day, made dinner after work, and after dinner I went around the house picking up various messes that I had not created.  When I finally sat down, I felt worn out and lonely.  There hadn’t been one truly enjoyable moment all day.  Thank goodness, I love my job.  Work is my outlet and last night, that fact made me kind of sad.  I am extremely grateful to get paid for doing something that is often rewarding and enjoyable to me, but I am discouraged about my life outside of work. Continue Reading »

Advertisements

Damn That Wall

7 Comments

It seems that I can only go along so well before I hit that wall again.  CRASH!

Think positive.  Think positive.  Yeah…..screw it!  I get so tired of looking at the bright side, reminding myself of the good.  I am tired of working so hard, trying so hard just to NOT HURT.  Life should not be this difficult.  Life is not fair.  Nope.

I could feel the wall begin creeping up on me a last night.  I was tired.  Once I got home from work, everyone seemed to need a little piece of me.  Lola had a couple of neighbor friends in the house.  “Look, Mom.  Look, Mom.  Look, Mom.”  I listened patiently.  I looked.  I looked again….and again.

I escaped upstairs to change clothes, and Em came in to talk.  It was more of the endless stream-of-consciousness about how much she misses her boyfriend who is away at school, and she hasn’t seen since last Saturday.  My God, the drama!  Oh, yeah, could I take her shopping this weekend?  She has nothing to wear.

I grabbed my laptop, and snuck down to the living room.  I needed a few moments of mindless activity, but that was not to be.  T came in.  “What are you doing?  You’re going to sit there and fall asleep.  What are you thinking about dinner?”  Bleh…  Really, I didn’t give a shit about dinner, but I got up and headed into the kitchen.  To be fair, he always helps with dinner preparations, but on his terms.  Delaying dinner to catch a few moments of relaxation is not on his terms.

While dinner was cooking, I once again headed to the couch thinking that I could sit quietly for a moment.  I had just gotten comfortable again on the couch, when Lola came in from playing with her friends.  “Mom, can I spend the night with ***** on Friday night?”  I explained to her that I didn’t even know this person or her parents.  No, I couldn’t allow her to spend the night at their home.  Maybe they could just get together and play for a while instead.   For probably the 100th time, I explained to her that in order for her to spend the night at someone’s house, the invitation had to come from the parent, not the child.  Oh, she had a note!  I braced myself.  I knew what would come next.  Lola grabbed her bookbag and rummaged around until she found it.  Yep, just as I had suspected.  It was a note written in red crayon.  The penmanship was lovely, but I don’t think it was written by this girl’s mother.  🙂  In any event, I would be reluctant to send my child to a home where the mother uses a red crayon to write notes.  (Not that I couldn’t see myself doing the same thing!)  I informed her that I as sorry, but the answer was still NO.  Hmmmmph, arms crossed, she huffed away.

Lola was angry with me.  Em was sequestered in her room on an endless phone call to her beloved.  T was on the computer.

I sat there and wondered, “Now what?”  I had been home for a couple of hours, and the entire time I had felt like a rag doll being yanked around from one place to another.   Picture a group of dogs all latched on and shaking their heads from side to side trying to get a better grip.  Eventually, the dogs all tire of the game, drop the doll, and forget all about the game.  That’s what I felt like last night.  Well, not just last night.  I feel that way much of the time.

The girls went to bed.  T moved from the computer to the green chair in the living room.  I wandered around the house.  I puttered.  I did laundry, folded laundry, put away laundry.  It was quiet, too quiet.  The wall was approaching closer and closer.

I tried to talk to T, but could not seem to get beyond one-word responses.  Facebook.  I looked at what everyone was doing.  I played Sims online.  Even my little Sim chick is boring.

Eventually T fell asleep in his chair, and I wandered upstairs alone to read a book.  Instead of reading, I laid their on my bed looking out the window.  I couldn’t see much, just the shadows of the trees on the lawn.  A cool breeze was coming in through the screen.  I laid there and I thought of what was behind me.  I tried to imagine what lies ahead, but all I could see was more of the same.  Pacing in a cage is what it often feels like, but I know that’s my own perception and my own fault for feeling this way.

I recognize what is happening.  I am losing a bit of the positive progress I had been making.  A setback, that’s all.  I will recover from it…stronger than ever.  I recognize it, I acknowledge it, but still….it pisses me off.  Why is this all so difficult?

The wall was back full force this morning.  I did not sleep well.  My dreams were not kind.  My dreams were haunting and exhausting.   For silly reasons, I cried during my drive to work.  I looked across the fields and most of them are now bare, bleak, and empty.  The harvest is in.  Another season has passed.  Another year.  Another winter is waiting.