The week from HELL carried on into the weekend from hell. Friday wasn’t a good day. T has some serious things going on at work that I will keep out of this blog to protect his privacy. However, I will say that they were serious enough to consume hours of conversation and to cause fear in both of us. Not the kind of fear where you’re afraid of losing your job, but the kind of fear that makes you wonder, “Why in the hell am I involved in this anyway?”
My daughter, Emily, was sick with mononucleosis during her freshman year in high school. Aside from accidents and injuries, this was the sickest I had ever seen any of my kids. What started out as something that appeared to be a common cold, quickly escalated into a major illness. She was covered with an angry red rash, her joints were visibly swollen, and her throat swelled to the point where she could not speak or eat solid food. Being a “wait and see” mom didn’t work out very well in this instance. As much reluctance as I had to take my kids to the doctor, I knew it couldn’t be avoided this time. Unfortunately, beyond a definitive diagnosis, there wasn’t much that could be done medically for Emily other than to treat her symptoms. Mono is a virus, and we just had to wait for it to run its course. Em missed about three weeks of school, and it took her months to recover anything resembling the normal energy level of a 15-year-old girl. The doctor told Emily that she would need to be careful. The virus could remain with her in a dormant state, but could suddenly flare up if she allowed herself to become run down. Continue Reading »
***Below is another draft blog post. This one was written on November 16, 2011, almost two years ago now. The event I refer to below is now even further in my past.
I’m thankful for the gift of time. Some pain never completely goes away, but time does heal. Pain changes us in both good and bad ways. I will never understand why things happened as they did. I wish that I didn’t have this knowledge and experience with lies, cruelty, and deception. I have been forever changed in ways that still make me sad. I mourn my loss of innocence and my loss of the ability to trust. I still struggle with the fact that I often expect the worst from people instead of seeing their best.
However, I did learn one lesson that I hope to never forget. At my darkest hour, I found myself alone, and I blame myself for that fact. I had cut myself off from the good things in my life. I had lost my relationship with God; I had emotionally distanced myself from my family and friends. My emotions, loyalties, energy, and efforts had been misplaced. I was lost, and it was my own fault. I poured my emotions into blogging. I talked to a therapist seeking answers. Neither of those things worked. The blog helped sometimes, but in the end, I was still alone. The therapist helped even less. I was seeking answers, reaching out like a person in the dark. I was grasping and lost.
Life IS better now. I am beginning to find my way. I know who I am and where I am. I’m beginning to soften and to carefully trust again…very carefully.
As I drove to work this morning, my thoughts were full of where I was in my life on THIS DAY exactly one year ago. November 16, 2010 was the date of the biggest betrayal of my life. I remembered phone conversations from that terrible day. I remembered what I wore, gold skirt and a black sweater. I remembered sitting on my therapist’s couch, and I was shaking with fear. I was worried, yet hopeful. Continue Reading »
I’ve just spent the past half hour as a semi-blind person. For a while, I sat at my desk straightening papers. There was no way that I could see my computer screen to type. After a while, when I felt that I could walk down the hall without running into a wall, I made the rounds saying good morning to people and catching up after the weekend. I was passing time, waiting for the shimmering to subside and the Ibuprofen to kick in.
Not many people know that I have frequent bouts of semi-blindness. It’s harmless and has been going on for probably 20 years.
The first time it happened, I thought I was having a stroke. I’ll never forget that day. I was in Menards with T and the kids (the oldest ones, anyway.) The shimmering began, migrated, and enveloped my vision. I remember walking along behind the cart deathly afraid that I would soon collapse and die on the spot, yet I said nothing. I wonder how long it took me to figure out that I wasn’t actally having a stroke? I don’t remember that part!
My vision is clearing now. There are just tiny rainbows shimmering in the periphery of everything around me. I feel shaky and worn out, but there’s no time to worry about that.
Happy Monday Morning!
I had some bad news today. My laptop is dead. That’s it. They said that it can’t be fixed. Time to get a new one. So for now, I am still delegated to this computer with the sticky keyboard located in a room off of the kitchen. My blogging is going to suffer! Continue Reading »
Do I have a sleep disorder? Well, I do have fairly odd sleep patterns, but I’m not sure if I would classify them as a disorder. I would think that if something is a disorder then the condition would bother me or those who live with me. I’m not bothered at all, and those around me just roll their eyes. They’re used to it. They accept me for who I am, odd habits and all. Continue Reading »
I woke up this morning and asked T, “Who do you want today? Crazy Hyper Pam or the Pam Who Sleeps on the Couch?” I told him that he could make the call. He just laughed. I was only kidding, but he knew exactly what I meant. Continue Reading »
It is impossible to take steps back in time. Even when our feet are dragging in the dust, even when we want to go back to the way things once were, the past does not exist in the present moment. People change, grow up, or sometimes die. Each moment is unique, and cannot be repeated or recreated. There is an unseen momentum pushing and pushing us forward and into the next moment. My past is full of joyous memories, pain and loss, friends and family. The past is full of people, so many of them now gone from my life. Thankfully, the past is also full of people that I am blessed have in my life in the present, too.
The last few years have been so terrible and full of stress. I’m not sure how to act now that the immediate crisis has passed. There are no visits to be made, no phone calls, no arrangements. Believe me, I am not complaining. It feels good to have my life back. My life. I have my life back, and now I’m just not sure what to do with it.
It seems that I had expected my life as it once was to still be waiting for me, but apparently, time kept marching on while I have been on the hamster wheel these past few years. I remember where I was, who I was, what I was two years ago. The problem is, the life I had two years ago no longer exists. I am no longer that woman. So who am I now? That remains to be seen. As much as I keep peering into the past to find the woman I once was, I won’t find what I’m searching for. The past shapes who we are in the present.
In the past weeks, I have been both humbled and hurt. I have been humbled by the kindness of the good people in my life. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends. I have been touched by their genuine concern, love, and support. Several people I had once thought of as colleagues, became more than that as they reached out to me on a personal level. Others, people I had once thought of as close friends, were nowhere to be seen. That is the worst part. It hurts to realize that a relationship once valued was merely a surface friendship, a fair-weather friendship.
I have been thinking a lot about those who have been absent from my life during these past difficult months and especially the past couple of weeks. While I understand it on some level, a person going through a tough time doesn’t make the best company, it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. It doesn’t make it hurt less. These are the kind of things that test a friendship, and sadly, I had a few “friends” that failed that test. I don’t mean this to sound bitter. I am looking at this in a sort of philosophical manner. Perhaps it is these very disappointments in life that enable us to move onto the next phase. By examining our lives at times like this, we are better able to let go of our past and give into the momentum that continues to push us forward and forward into the future.