Spent

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The week from HELL carried on into the weekend from hell.  Friday wasn’t a good day.  T has some serious things going on at work that I will keep out of this blog to protect his privacy.  However, I will say that they were serious enough to consume hours of conversation and to cause fear in both of us.  Not the kind of fear where you’re afraid of losing your job, but the kind of fear that makes you wonder, “Why in the hell am I involved in this anyway?”

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Dormant Virus

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depression

My daughter, Emily, was sick with mononucleosis during her freshman year in high school.  Aside from accidents and injuries, this was the sickest I had ever seen any of my kids.  What started out as something that appeared to be a common cold, quickly escalated into a major illness.  She was covered with an angry red rash, her joints were visibly swollen, and her throat swelled to the point where she could not speak or eat solid food.  Being a “wait and see” mom didn’t work out very well in this instance.  As much reluctance as I had to take my kids to the doctor, I knew it couldn’t be avoided this time.  Unfortunately, beyond a definitive diagnosis, there wasn’t much that could be done medically for Emily other than to treat her symptoms.  Mono is a virus, and we just had to wait for it to run its course.  Em missed about three weeks of school, and it took her months to recover anything resembling the normal energy level of a 15-year-old girl.  The doctor told Emily that she would need to be careful.  The virus could remain with her in a dormant state, but could suddenly flare up if she allowed herself to become run down. Continue Reading »

Precipice

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***Below is another draft blog post.  This one was written on November 16, 2011, almost two years ago now.  The event I refer to below is now even further in my past.  

I’m thankful for the gift of time.  Some pain never completely goes away, but time does heal.  Pain changes us in both good and bad ways.  I will never understand why things happened as they did.  I wish that I didn’t have this knowledge and experience with lies, cruelty, and deception.  I have been forever changed in ways that still make me sad.  I mourn my loss of innocence and my loss of the ability to trust.  I still struggle with the fact that I often expect the worst from people instead of seeing their best.  

However, I did learn one lesson that I hope to never forget.  At my darkest hour, I found myself alone, and I blame myself for that fact.  I had cut myself off from the good things in my life.  I had lost my relationship with God; I had emotionally distanced myself from my family and friends.  My emotions, loyalties, energy, and efforts had been misplaced.  I was lost, and it was my own fault.  I poured my emotions into blogging.  I talked to a therapist seeking answers.  Neither of those things worked.  The blog helped sometimes, but in the end, I was still alone.  The therapist helped even less.  I was seeking answers, reaching out like a person in the dark.  I was grasping and lost.

Life IS better now.  I am beginning to find my way.  I know who I am and where I am.  I’m beginning to soften and to carefully trust again…very carefully.

cliff_jump

As I drove to work this morning, my thoughts were full of where I was in my life on THIS DAY exactly one year ago.  November 16, 2010 was the date of the biggest betrayal of my life.  I remembered phone conversations from that terrible day.  I remembered what I wore, gold skirt and a black sweater.  I remembered sitting on my therapist’s couch, and I was shaking with fear.  I was worried, yet hopeful. Continue Reading »

Ocular Migraine

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I’ve just spent the past half hour as a semi-blind person.  For a while, I sat at my desk straightening papers.  There was no way that I could see my computer screen to type.  After a while, when I felt that I could walk down the hall without running into a wall, I made the rounds saying good morning to people and catching up after the weekend.  I was passing time, waiting for the shimmering to subside and the Ibuprofen to kick in.

Not many people know that I have frequent bouts of semi-blindness.  It’s harmless and has been going on for probably 20 years.

The first time it happened, I thought I was having a stroke.  I’ll never forget that day.  I was in Menards with T and the kids (the oldest ones, anyway.)  The shimmering began, migrated, and enveloped my vision.  I remember walking along behind the cart deathly afraid that I would soon collapse and die on the spot, yet I said nothing.  I wonder how long it took me to figure out that I wasn’t actally having a stroke?  I don’t remember that part!

My vision is clearing now.  There are just tiny rainbows shimmering in the periphery of everything around me.  I feel shaky and worn out, but there’s no time to worry about that.

Happy Monday Morning!

 

 

At The End of a Long, Long Day

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I had some bad news today.  My laptop is dead.  That’s it.  They said that it can’t be fixed.  Time to get a new one.  So for now, I am still delegated to this computer with the sticky keyboard located in a room off of the kitchen.  My blogging is going to suffer! Continue Reading »

Moonlighting

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Do I have a sleep disorder?  Well, I do have fairly odd sleep patterns, but I’m not sure if I would classify them as a disorder.  I would think that if something is a disorder then the condition would bother me or those who live with me.  I’m not bothered at all, and those around me just roll their eyes.  They’re used to it.  They accept me for who I am, odd habits and all. Continue Reading »