It has been a rough couple of weeks for many reasons.  Even as I have been exhausted and stressed out, I have tried to remind myself that while these aren’t the best of times, things could certainly be worse.  I know.  I’ve lived through times that were much worse.

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Sweet Miracle of Kindness

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I received the following email today:
Dear Pam,
Just want you to know that I am honored to be your second Mom.  I never had a daughter, but if I did, I would hope she would be just like you.  You are a kind, honest, considerate, intelligent and loving woman.  I am so proud of you, and I respect you for how you have adapted to a new city, job, and home this past year.  Not an easy task !
Pam,  you are very special to me.

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My Amazing 10-Year-Old


Mom and Lola

She wasn’t planned.  She wasn’t even supposed to be here.

In 2001, I was pregnant for the fifth time.  I had three living children.  Needless to say, my pregnancy history wasn’t good.  Because of that fact, I had a standing order for a tubal ligation after this birth.  My plan was to stay an extra day after delivery and have my tubes tied.  In the event of a c-section, I had made it clear that I wanted my tubes tied during the procedure.  My wishes were noted on my medical charts. Continue Reading »



I love you, man  (or woman!)

This morning, as I do every morning, I rolled over and reached for my phone as soon as I woke up.  Emails, work emails, text messages, and Facebook updates.  I look at them all before I even climb out of bed.  I like to know what I will be facing each day before my feet even hit the floor.  Usually there is nothing significant.  Sometimes though, if I’m lucky, there might be something waiting there to make me smile.  What I hope for most is that there isn’t anything there to indicate a problem at work before I even make it to the office.

This morning, I was lucky. There were no work-related issues, and there was a smile waiting for me.  I don’t really receive a lot of texts, so I was surprised to see that I had one waiting.  It was from an old high school friend.  A year or so ago, we reconnected through Facebook.  Even though we only live a few miles apart, we had lost track of each other’s lives.  I have enjoyed getting to know this old friend again, and we have reached out to other former classmates.  From time to time, a group of us will meet for dinner at a local tavern.  We’ve all gotten busy this summer, and it has been weeks since we have made time for a night out.

Below is the text she sent me.   It’s just one of those corny texts that get circulated by large groups of people.  I normally don’t even bother to read them, but today I did, and they were words that I needed to hear.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that we DO MATTER to someone.  We need to hear (or see) the words.

A woman can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens.  She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying.  She cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid.  Her love is unconditional.  There’s only one thing wrong with her.  She forgets what she’s worth!  Pass this to every beautiful woman you know.  Remind her that she’s unique.  I love you, girl!  In twenty five minutes, something will make you super happy, but you have to tell ten crazy girlfriends you love them, including me.  I LOVE YOU!!!  Today is ‘love u day.’   Send this to everyone you love whether its real love or friend love.  You are spoiled if you get 5 back.  *Live Love Laugh*  ~Peace n Love~


I passed this along to 10 people.  I chose those I love, those I value, and those who need to see their own value a little more clearly.  No, nothing made me super happy twenty five minutes later, but that’s OK.  I haven’t been “super happy” in a very long time.  I did get something of value by receiving this text from my friend.  It felt good to be remembered.  It felt good to smile.  I was reminded that I don’t value myself nearly enough, and I needed that reminder.  Most of all, though, it felt good to pass this along to the people in my life who I value and love.

Now, I want to pass it on to you!  Thank you and “I love you” to those of you who have held my hand along the way and walked this journey by my side.

In The Sky Around Me


Something good happened today.  It was something REALLY good….but only to me.  There wasn’t anyone else on this earth who would care or understand how much this good thing meant to me.  It was a work-related victory.  Years of hard work, struggle, stress, wishing, hoping, jumping through hoops, and today the powers that be granted my wish.  I received the official phone call this morning.  I was still at home.  After a long workday yesterday, I was enjoying a relaxing morning at home.  I was getting ready to head to the office when the call came in on my cell phone.  I was standing in my bedroom, and I could see myself in the dresser mirror as I took the call.  I looked so damn happy!  Oh, I was.  Even though it was work-related, to me, it was very personal.  My job isn’t just my job.  It is a passion.  This program is my baby.  It’s in my heart.  I have worked for this for a long time.  There were times when I didn’t think it would happen, but today….it did!

When I finished up my phone call, I stood there for a moment.  Who could I tell? Who would share the joy and satisfaction that I was feeling.  I called the office.  “Oh, so what does that mean?”  OK, obviously not a big deal to them.  I called my boss, “Well, congratulations….and hey, by the way….” and on to another subject.  I called T.  “That’s great, hun.”   Of course, he cared, but he was busy at work.  As happy as this news had made me, I was beginning to feel dejected.  Is happiness still happiness if  no one is cares about it?  Is it happiness if there is no one there to share the joy?

I stood there alone in my happiness, and felt loss begin the creep in.  I wanted to tell my dad.  I have no sister, no brother.  My mom would have no clue what I was talking about.  My friends?  Oh, the friendships are still there, but I have sequestered myself.  I have been living cloistered within my depression, pain, and loss for so long, too long.  No, they haven’t given up on me.  They are good, caring people, but they would be shocked to receive a call from me out of the blue telling them about my job.  Well, that would only add fuel to the “Pam Has Gone Crazy” fire.

Thank you (and happy birthday!) to my dear blogging friend, Seasweetie, who responded immediately to my text.  “Please call me when you have a moment to listen to me ramble.”  She listened, and she cared.  A million blessings to her for indulging me.

Sharing moments, both good and bad, has become more significant to me now.   Throughout my life, I have taken it for granted that someone would always be there when I reached out.  Most times, I didn’t even have to reach.  I trusted that part of my life.  Sure,  many tragic things have happened over the years, but I had a support system.   My Dad.  There wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t call me with a smile in his voice.  He is who carried me through the rough patches in my life.  I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it wasn’t my strength that got me through the bad times. It was the love and support of those around me.   My support system has malfunctioned.  It is broken.  Some of the parts are now missing.  I feel like I am stumbling around blindly through my life sometimes.  I am beginning to value the moments in my life when people are good and kind, and I try to pass those moments on to others.

Once again, as I drove to the office, I was touched by the beauty of the nature around me.  I am blessed to enjoy a beautiful, peaceful drive each morning and afternoon.  I opened the sunroof, and let the heat pour down on me.  I thought about the word love as I drove.  What does it mean?  What does the word love mean?  Is there a beginning, middle, and end to love?  I thought of my dad.  I don’t feel that he is really gone.  Yes, I know that he is gone from this earth, but I feel his presence around me.  I feel his love.  It is his love for me and mine for him that keep him alive.  Is that what love is?  Is love that unnamed thing that reaches beyond the human experience?

I looked up the dictionary definition of love.  I had planned on posting it here, but found it too lacking and unsatisfying.  Anyone who is interested in Merriam-Webster’s version of love can do a Google search on their own.  Love is a word that is bandied around too much in my opinion.  It’s a word that is too often used as a means to please people in the moment.  “Oh, I love you.”  or “Oh, I love the beautiful scarf you’re wearing.”  Yes, someone may delight you, amuse you, even turn you on, but that is not love.  A scarf may be beautiful, or warm, or expensive, but can you really love an inanimate object?  Gosh, I hope not!

Love is a verb.  Love is an “action word.”  Love is a very weighty action word that carries with it a sense of honor, respect, and responsibility.  My dad loved me through action.  Yes, through words, too, but mostly through action.  I was his daughter and he loved me.   Showing his love to me through his actions was never a burden to him.  It was a first thought, not a second or third.  My happiness was his happiness.  My sorrow was a sorrow that we shared.

As these thoughts of love, life, my dad, sorrow, joy, and pain all ran through my mind this morning, I thought of this phrase:  “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”  No.  I don’t believe that.  Real love is not something that is ever possible to lose.  Real and true love once given, cannot be lost.  Love is like the sky.  It goes on endlessly.


Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality.

Emily Dickinson