Sometimes I miss the old blog. Those of you who read the “Other” blog will understand why I miss it. You will certainly know why it has been a positive experience not to write the previous blog any longer. Without dwelling on it, or spilling the beans so to speak, I will just say that the old blog dealt with one not so pleasant subject. One subject, and I beat that subject into the ground. Getting rid of the old blog was difficult emotionally, but WordPress made it surprisingly easy. Just a couple of clicks and hundreds of blog entries were gone. A year and a half of the worst times in my life were recorded in excruciating detail, but I am glad that they are gone.
This new blog is still taking shape, and I’m trying to find my voice. I’m still wandering down this path and searching for my place in this world. I am beginning to become friends with this new blog, though. By disallowing myself to dwell on the old subject matter, it has helped ME not to dwell on it as well. Sometimes, though, it’s not easy. When I was hurting or upset, writing helped, and I miss that one final outlet.
Even though I deleted the old blog, I was able to take something very important along with me. While the blog had become something of a nemesis, the friendships I made in the blogging world carried me through some very difficult personal times. I have found that these real friendships are much more healing and more valuable than the thousands of words I threw out into cyberspace. Those words are gone, and sometimes that loss saddens me, but the network of support that those words built still remains.
As my former blog readers know, I wrote about searching and seeking answers. I wanted reasons, and I wanted meaning. I didn’t want to go through hell and have it mean absolutely nothing. Even though I could not change the details or results of my situation, I wanted to think that I hadn’t walked away ruined and less of a person. Well, I’m still working on that one, but the load is beginning to lift.
I’m still learning, and sometimes I falter, but I am beginning to trust my heart once again. I am beginning to listen to the tiny voice of reason that had been there (sometimes shouting!) all along. Now, when the going gets tough, and it sure does get tough at times, instead of pouring out my heart, soul, anger, pain, and a variety of other negative emotions into my blog, I pick up the phone and I reach out to a REAL person.
Last night was one of those nights. I tried all of the things that usually help turn my thoughts to more positive things. I had a Special Pepsi. I cleaned out a dresser drawer. I spent some time ironing, but I still found myself pacing around with way too much on my mind. Finally, I picked up the phone and called a blogging friend. She has been there for me through so very much this past year. Last night was no different. Within moments, I was laughing out of control. I smile even now as I think of the silliness of that conversation. What was important is that she had me laughing at myself. She brought me out of the rut that I had tripped and fallen back into face-first.
If there is nothing else good that has come out of all of this pain, that friendship across the miles will be something that will always be special to me. My sweet blogging sister and I have laughed, and we have cried. We have cussed like sailors, and wondered together over signs from the spiritual world. Although we met through shared experience, and not such a good experience to have, our friendship is so much more now than the sadness that brought us together. So many other blogging friends have touched my life, too, and offered help and hope to me in horribly difficult times. I often think of us as little planets. Sometimes our orbit intersect. Other times, our worlds are further apart, but we are still there in our blogging universe.
A year and a half ago, I wrote my first entry in the “Other” blog. I don’t think there was a single day that I didn’t write an entry. I know there were days when I wrote more than once. My readers yelled at me, cheered me up, wanted to smack me, and offered me cyber hugs.
Interestingly, several fellow bloggers/readers and I began our journeys around the same time. A year and a half later, we are all still here. (Amazingly….Thankfully!) We are older. Maybe, we are wiser. Some of us are happier, while some of us are still looking around in disbelief as we continue to survive in the aftermath. Sadly, some are still in the midst of the confusion. I believe I may be a little of each.
If you read the “Other” blog, I thank you for the love, support, and friendship…even if we did not connect on a personal basis. If you didn’t read the “Other” blog, thank you for reading this one. This blog is ME. This is my real life and who I really am as a human being. There is me to ME than the one subject of the “Other” blog. This blog is about the things I hold dear, the things that make me smile or tick me off, the little things that I see in my ordinary life. While the “Other” blog was my heart, this blog is my life.
I’m so happy that your friend was there for you. It is amazing how much of a difference it can make when you reach out and a friend answers.
There is nothing like reaching out for someone, and ACTUALLY have them be there for you!
Ah, Pam. It has certainly been a long and stressful journey. (And that’s putting it lightly!) However, you should be tremendously proud of yourself. You’ve come so far. I was so happy to have discovered your “other” blog and am even happier now that you have this blog. Your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there is amazing and I’m sure it has helped more people than you even know about. Sending much love. Let’s all continue to move forward and fully become the women we are meant to be. I think we all deserve a round of applause for getting here!!!
Thank you, Ruby, and you are the reader of the OTHER blog who always reminded me of who I really am/was. You were my voice of reason. You were the OLD me telling the messed up me to get back on track and look in the mirror. Always in a good way, always with kindness. You have no idea how many times your words snapped me out of it and forced me to look at my own actions.
Yes, I think we all deserve a round of applause!
I love being part of your life, sis. I was just thinking about this very thing this morning – way before I read this. Our shared brain in action. Thank you for putting the thoughts in my heart into your words.
Yes, I believe that we were meant to meet up on these paths that we are wandering down. One of my first, most vivid, memories of you in my life was a crazy night in April 2010 when I sat alone in a hotel room. I had posted on my OTHER blog, and you sent me a private email. (I wonder if you remember that night?) On that night over a year ago, you were in a very different place in your life. Sadly, you’re not there now. I often think of that night. You were so supportive. You told me to follow my heart. You were my cheerleader that night. So much has changed for both of us since that night over a year ago. We have taken so many sad turn, but look at us. Look how strong we have become through it all!!!
Another thing I was thinking this very morning – how strong we have both become. I do remember that night. I wish I hadn’t lost what I had, but I am coming to love me for me, all by myself now, and that, I think, is an essential piece for the rest of my life to head down a joyful path. And I want the same for you.
Yes…..I want the same for ALL of us. No one completes us. We complete ourselves. We need to learn to become WHOLE again.
Even though I miss your old blog, I quite enjoy reading this one too 🙂