Something good happened today. It was something REALLY good….but only to me. There wasn’t anyone else on this earth who would care or understand how much this good thing meant to me. It was a work-related victory. Years of hard work, struggle, stress, wishing, hoping, jumping through hoops, and today the powers that be granted my wish. I received the official phone call this morning. I was still at home. After a long workday yesterday, I was enjoying a relaxing morning at home. I was getting ready to head to the office when the call came in on my cell phone. I was standing in my bedroom, and I could see myself in the dresser mirror as I took the call. I looked so damn happy! Oh, I was. Even though it was work-related, to me, it was very personal. My job isn’t just my job. It is a passion. This program is my baby. It’s in my heart. I have worked for this for a long time. There were times when I didn’t think it would happen, but today….it did!
When I finished up my phone call, I stood there for a moment. Who could I tell? Who would share the joy and satisfaction that I was feeling. I called the office. “Oh, so what does that mean?” OK, obviously not a big deal to them. I called my boss, “Well, congratulations….and hey, by the way….” and on to another subject. I called T. “That’s great, hun.” Of course, he cared, but he was busy at work. As happy as this news had made me, I was beginning to feel dejected. Is happiness still happiness if no one is cares about it? Is it happiness if there is no one there to share the joy?
I stood there alone in my happiness, and felt loss begin the creep in. I wanted to tell my dad. I have no sister, no brother. My mom would have no clue what I was talking about. My friends? Oh, the friendships are still there, but I have sequestered myself. I have been living cloistered within my depression, pain, and loss for so long, too long. No, they haven’t given up on me. They are good, caring people, but they would be shocked to receive a call from me out of the blue telling them about my job. Well, that would only add fuel to the “Pam Has Gone Crazy” fire.
Thank you (and happy birthday!) to my dear blogging friend, Seasweetie, who responded immediately to my text. “Please call me when you have a moment to listen to me ramble.” She listened, and she cared. A million blessings to her for indulging me.
Sharing moments, both good and bad, has become more significant to me now. Throughout my life, I have taken it for granted that someone would always be there when I reached out. Most times, I didn’t even have to reach. I trusted that part of my life. Sure, many tragic things have happened over the years, but I had a support system. My Dad. There wasn’t a day that went by when he didn’t call me with a smile in his voice. He is who carried me through the rough patches in my life. I didn’t even realize it at the time, but it wasn’t my strength that got me through the bad times. It was the love and support of those around me. My support system has malfunctioned. It is broken. Some of the parts are now missing. I feel like I am stumbling around blindly through my life sometimes. I am beginning to value the moments in my life when people are good and kind, and I try to pass those moments on to others.
Once again, as I drove to the office, I was touched by the beauty of the nature around me. I am blessed to enjoy a beautiful, peaceful drive each morning and afternoon. I opened the sunroof, and let the heat pour down on me. I thought about the word love as I drove. What does it mean? What does the word love mean? Is there a beginning, middle, and end to love? I thought of my dad. I don’t feel that he is really gone. Yes, I know that he is gone from this earth, but I feel his presence around me. I feel his love. It is his love for me and mine for him that keep him alive. Is that what love is? Is love that unnamed thing that reaches beyond the human experience?
I looked up the dictionary definition of love. I had planned on posting it here, but found it too lacking and unsatisfying. Anyone who is interested in Merriam-Webster’s version of love can do a Google search on their own. Love is a word that is bandied around too much in my opinion. It’s a word that is too often used as a means to please people in the moment. “Oh, I love you.” or “Oh, I love the beautiful scarf you’re wearing.” Yes, someone may delight you, amuse you, even turn you on, but that is not love. A scarf may be beautiful, or warm, or expensive, but can you really love an inanimate object? Gosh, I hope not!
Love is a verb. Love is an “action word.” Love is a very weighty action word that carries with it a sense of honor, respect, and responsibility. My dad loved me through action. Yes, through words, too, but mostly through action. I was his daughter and he loved me. Showing his love to me through his actions was never a burden to him. It was a first thought, not a second or third. My happiness was his happiness. My sorrow was a sorrow that we shared.
As these thoughts of love, life, my dad, sorrow, joy, and pain all ran through my mind this morning, I thought of this phrase: “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” No. I don’t believe that. Real love is not something that is ever possible to lose. Real and true love once given, cannot be lost. Love is like the sky. It goes on endlessly.
Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality.