The Worst Question In The World

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Yesterday was not a good day.  Today was better, but only because I was so busy at work.  I didn’t have many moments to think.

I have back-tracked.  I have revisited….again….that same old questions.  WHY?  Why….this?  Why…..that?  The question of why always leads me to look at myself.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I not good enough?  Asking those questions always leads me to begin the litany of my shortcomings.  I am not nice enough.  I am not patient enough.  I didn’t give enough.  I didn’t express myself well enough.  I am not pretty enough.  I am not smart enough.  Who would like ME?  Why would anyone like ME?  I am not worthy of love.   You get the picture.

 

Rejection:   refusal, spurning, dismissal, elimination. 

Elimination:  1.  to   remove or get rid of, especially as being in some way undesirable.  2.  to omit, especially as being unimportant or irrelevant.  3.  to remove from further consideration or competition.  4.  to eradicate or kill.

Spurn:  to reject with disdain; scorn.  2.  to treat with contempt; despise.  3.  to kick or trample with the foot.

 

Losing is not easy.  Losing a friend because they choose not to be in your life any longer is damaging.  Being a liability in  someone’s life means that you are a problem.  You are not worth their time or effort.  To them, you are disposable.  Who could not look in the mirror and wonder, “What in the hell is wrong with me?”

But wait, I have been dealing with this for long enough now to know that logic cannot always be applied to every situation.  Some people are guided by a set of rules that (thankfully) didn’t get passed out to the rest of us.  Adolf Hitler, Rev. Jim Jones, Stalin, Genghis Khan, Goebbels, Mussolini.  These guys didn’t care about the feelings of those they hurt.  They did whatever they wanted.  They did whatever it took to please themselves.  They didn’t own the damage they inflicted.  Guilt was a foreign concept.  They didn’t spend moments reflecting and agonizing over the results and consequences of their actions.  They certainly didn’t apologize.  Just as the abusive husband blames the wife.  “She was asking for it….  She shouldn’t have pushed me.  She should have known better. ”  Bad guys never take the blame for their own actions.  That blame is much easier to place on everyone and everything around them.

Of course, I have never encountered anyone with the level of evil of men like Hitler or Stalin, but evil and corrupt behavior, whether on a large scale or a small scale, hurts people and destroys lives.  Yesterday I was stupid, and I blame myself for that.  It does me no good to ask the question, “WHY?”  There are some questions without answers.  There are some people beyond understanding.  Not everything in life is neat and tidy.  Not everything or everyone follows logic.

T and I took our usual 3-mile Power Walk after dinner.  He made me walk with him.  Well, he didn’t make me.  I said I was too tired, but he looked so disappointed that I said I would go.  I didn’t want to let him down.  He’s really excited that he has lost four pounds.  I have lost none!  The Power Walks seem to spark my hunger.  I am ready for a snack as soon as we’re back home.

Tonight as we walked, I was lagging behind on the hills.  Beating myself up is exhausting business.  I am beyond tired this evening.  I was griping and grouchy on each hill.  I was whiny like a child.  “It’s too hot.  Do we have to do the whole three miles?  Can’t we go home now?  I’m thirsty.”  T refused to let us cut the walk short.  At times, he grabbed my hand and helped me along.  As we headed up the last, and largest, hill near the end of the walk, he put his hand in the small of my back and told me to let him help me.  It was amazing!  He wasn’t even pushing me, but leaning into the weight of his hand made that last hill easier than all of the others.

That small action of encouragement meant so much to me.  He was helping me and being a friend, and I didn’t have to ask.  I didn’t have to beg.  I didn’t have to sell myself to him.  He didn’t care what I looked like.  (ponytail, glasses on, no makeup, sweaty, and grouchy)  He was helping me, because none of those surface things matter to him.  He was helping me, because he is a good person.  So simple, and so welcome, and just what I needed at the exact right moment.

 

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8 thoughts on “The Worst Question In The World

  1. I’m sorry you had a down day. That’s what sunrises are for, to take another swing at the ball.

    T is your HUSBAND, not just a friend. He deserves you trying harder to see him in that more encompassing way.

    Who could not look in the mirror and wonder, “This is beautiful, baby. What in the hell is wrong with that jerk?

    God loves you. I encourage you to say a prayer each morning at the moment you open your eyes. “God loves me, I love me, T loves me, my family loves me. Amen.”

  2. Don’t let negative thoughts ruin your day! That’s all they are is thoughts- they hold no weight. You are a beautiful and WORTHY person. You DESERVE love and happiness. If you haven’t lost weight working out it’s probably because you are GAINING MUSCLE 🙂 You should follow your measurements, not the scale. It’s totally normal to be hungry afterword. Eat some protein, it will help you recover.

    Don’t forget to LOVE YOURSELF.

    Warmest Regards!
    Jenny

    • You’re absolutely right. I was allowing negative thoughts to take over. Getting rid of those negative thought is easier said than done, but taking a moment to recognize them for what they are…just crappy thoughts…..does help to put things into perspective.

      As for the lack of weight loss, I hope it IS because I am building muscle! Whatever the case, I don’t need to lose weight anyway. The purpose of these walks is for toning and conditioning.

  3. Pam,

    It seems like maybe just raw stress is what triggers the hard downswings for you, and brings out “Wallowing Pam” in all her glory, shield and sword held high. 🙂 This end of summer / back to school time is especially stressfull as you know, so you just have to keep humming to yourself the old Association song “See You in September.” Less stressful and calmer emotional waters seem to be just ahead.

    I know it pains you when post an entry like this, because it is counter to the spirit of what you want this blog to be. So you know the technique of writing someone a letter and then never mailing it, maybe similarly you can write an entry like this to get some emotional relief and then never post it, and maybe you have already been doing that lots of times that we didn’t know about and this one just snuck out. I hope you have a wonderful day.

    • Oh, yeah….for sure! Writing a negative blog post, while not something I am proud of, does release a lot of the stress and negative thoughts. Like popping a balloon that has been blown up too much.

      On our way to Milwaukee now and then heading over for a night on the town in Chicago….and some much-needed relaxation before moving the next kid out in a few days.

  4. Oh but please do post it. It’s helpful to know even a beautiful person like pam has days she has questions.

    Rejected. That’s the problem. I know. The awareness is always there. The questions – What if other people find out I ‘m really worthless? On the service folks say i’m beautiful, confident and positive…bla, bla, bla….. You wouldn’t know otherwise. Underneath there’s parental rejection, spouse rejection (apathy ), partner rejection – that’s always hidden there. It can be hard to believe anyone really cares – sorry Steve, even God.
    I hope you’re past all this Pam and you do thrive in your family’s love. Thanks for your posts.

    • Thank you, Mermaid. Yes, I agree with all you said. Even God seems to have forsaken us at times. Sometimes I wish could be one of those people who are guided through life by their religion. I am not-wont ever be. Religion makes no sense to me and is all too often narrow-minded and money grubbing. Yes, I believe in God or a Higher Power but the churches men have made to honor that higher power are all too often full of self-righteous corruption.

      And please…I do not want a religious discussion here…this is simply my opinion. I respect those who do find peace and comfort in their religion.

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